I haven't been posting.
The reason is because I want to be able to let it all hang out and I feel that I can't. I want to be able to be talk about everything, and I feel that I have to censor myself. I'm scared to post about my true feelings. I'm afraid to bitch or whine, lest my readers think I'm not happy about what I'm doing. I'm afraid to give you guys the wrong idea about what it is really like.
Am I making any sense here?
So I've found that since I havn't been giving the whole story, I'l just give none of it, just important updates. And yet, that feels like a disservice too.
I just don't know what to do. I started this journal with the intention of giving an accurate account of what it's like to have a surrogacy, and the complicated relationship it entails, with all the feelings associated with one. Instead, I've found that it's much harder than anticipated, and I'm afraid of the judgement I'll get if I do.
Help.
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10 comments:
I'm *dying* to hear more about what's going on, and you certainly won't get any judgment from me. Actually, I've never had any judgment on my own blog and. So if you *want* to write, maybe you could give it a try and re-evaluate your decision if you do get any nasty commenters.
Just because you *want* to be giving this incredible gift doesn't mean you have to enjoy gaining weight, feeling uncomfortable, or whatever is going on.
Well put, cat. Totally agree with you.
Sensitive Soul, you probably NEED a place to vent your anxieties and frustrations. And I don't think any of your readers will think less of you for it. They seem to be a very supportive group.
Besides, who has the right to judge your true feelings? And any of us who have been pregnant/tried to get pregnant know what an emotional and physical roller-coaster it is.
Hi Dee- thanks for your good wishes on my blog. I will look forward to getting to know you better and it may be helpful to me to have the surrogate's perspective in all of this soon.
I completely understand. As someone who has struggled with getting pregnant, and finally has, I understand. As much as I have always wanted a child I feel terrible complaing about anything. I am afraid everyone will judge me and give me the "You asked for this" look. But just because there are bad times, and they do get bad, doesn't mean they outweigh the good or that you regret your desicion. I have to admit I hate being pregnant at the moment (only 2 more weeks to go) but I know that the end result will make it all worth it. Good luck with the pregnancy, and please know that we are here to listen to the story of this experience more than to judge you. You are doing a wonderful thing, no matter what the feelings. Take care!
Amanda
I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm so interested in what you are experiencing. I seem to choose blogs that are expressions of people's individual paths through life, probably because this is one of my great fascinations. It's so incredible to me that every single life is so vastly different.
Everyone has different views and opinions, and there are no promises that nobody will say something hurtful, inadvertently or otherwise. On the other hand, this is YOUR page. You are able to ignore, to delete, even to set comment approval. So you are in control.
I work with elderly nursing home patients. I often ask them what they feel best about that they did in their lives. It's almost always raising their children if they had children. When you are 95 and asked that question by a young physical therapist who is trying to distract you from the painful procedure she is doing, you're going to be able to have raised your own kids AND allowed another woman and her husband to have their own.
Not a single person I have ever asked this question has haad only positive stories. Nobody ever does. But the hard stuff is part of the whole, and the whole is good. Right?
Hi Dee, I am anxious to hear how you are doing. You know what? This is YOUR blog. You have the freedom to write WHATEVER you want and if someone has a problem with that then they can either 1) realize that people have opinions other than their own and grow from that experience or 2)not read it anymore if it bothers them. I want to know what you are thinking, what you are feeling--the 'acceptable' and the not so PC.
My surrogate had 2 excellent blastocysts transferred on Monday. Now we wait. I need to look back and read more of your past posts but how soon after transfer did you get a positive test? Take care!
The other ladies have said it so much better than I can, but I want you to know, that I read your blog and I enjoy it but I read your blog to know how YOU are going, what your doing is amazing and wonderful I'd hate to think you'd stop writing because of maybe opinions. You are what matters yeah the babes too but its you we come here for and we all have bad days bad thoughts and witchy moments.
hope that made sense.
Please continue uncensored. I'm a bit behind you in the process, but knowing what's coming would be priceless. If you're okay sharing, I know I for one would be very interested in an unvarnished view.
It's hard to write when you are worried about the reactions that you might get. I say write if you feel like it and delete the comments you don't like. :-) You don't owe any one anything. If you do write and tell the story (which I for one hope you do) those who read it and benefit from it will be grateful. If people are negative, delete their comments and then make a decision to keep going or not.
I think what you are doing is wonderful. If I were 10 years younger I might try to be a surrogate, but I'm almost past the age where I could be a surrogate.
Wishing you all the best!
I'm delurking to say that I'd really like to listen to what you have to say, and can't imagine judging you for it. You are giving this couple such a wonderful gift, but it's not always peaches and cream. I struggled for the vast majority of my pregnancy after infertility to realize that not loving every minute of it didn't mean I was any less grateful to be pregnant, or any less thrilled to be having a baby. I wouldn't have changed it, but that doesn't mean it was always the most fun thing I'd ever done. And when I finally gave myself permission not to paste on a cheerful smile and admit when I was tired or achy, it lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.
I know you said Carly knows about your blog but doesn't read it--are you concerned about her reading it when you say that things aren't perfect, or are you sharing your feelings with her already?
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