Thanks for all the great comments and emails.
I find that I really want this journal to be a place where I can let it all out.
But I'm learning that in reality, it's a very difficult thing to do.
I'm censoring so much.
Here's the thing. For me so far, this surrogacy is almost 100% about the relationship I have with Carly, and to a lesser extent Ben.
And the things that have been bothering me are Carly related.
I'm just having a hard time dealing with her worry, and daily monitoring etc. I know why she's like this, she's lost 6 babies. So I knew before I even met her that she would be hyper vigilant, protective and a huge worrier. So, I get that. I truly do. I do my very best to soothe her worries. I go way out of my way in fact. But I'm starting to wear down. I find that I want to avoid her phone calls. (which I don't, but i want to...)
It's very hard.
I know she trust me 100%. She's just so afraid that something is going to go wrong like it has to her, so many times.
It's hard trying to take care of myself, the twins and her...
And yes, I've told her about the blog, and how much I've put "out there" and she's OK with all of it. But she doesn't know the name or URL, and she really isn't a computer type of gal, so I don't have a lot of worries about her looking for it. Plus she'd just ask me if she wanted to read it and if I needed to, I'd pull anything down that might hurt her feelings.
I'm just afraid of talking about how she's making me feel etc, because I fear a lot of my readers are women who read Julie's big list, are having hard times themselves and may think of me badly and will side with my IM.
Make sense?
Anyway, thank you all for the great comments. I think I'll be posting more soon.
I'll try to tell the truth about the intricacies of a surrogacy relationship, in the best way that I can. It's not easy!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
I so hope this comes out right, what you doing is something so amazing it boggles my mind with the enormity of it all, but you are more than an incubator, you are human. things are going to get you down, some things will royally tick you off and thats natural you are under pressure of a kind most of us will never ever be and no one with a heart would ever take exception to something you wrote about how YOU feel because honestly while we're not in your postion we can understand pressure and stress.
please post as you want however you want and dont let the fear of a maybe cranky commenter stop you getting things off your chest.
Just found your blog. I'm an IM, we're 16 weeks pregnant with a singleton. It's so cool to read a blog from the surrogate side of things - don't hold anything back when you write. I don't, and it really does help to vent when you need to. IPs have problems too sometimes. If someone leaves a negative comment, ignore it. What you're doing is totally awesome. Without wonderful ladies like you, there'd be a lot more childless couples. I treasure all you special ladies. Good luck.
I really appreciated this post. Being a worried IM myself--after losing 11 embryos in the past--I do need to make sure she doesn't feel like I am hounding her daily. Ever since this started she has been worried about how I am handling things. At this point, as much as I want this pregnancy to be about me--it isn't and I need to relax and let her do what she needs to do. Oh, and yes, I would love to see the video. :)
I am a friend of someone who is hopefully going to have a baby (or two?) through a surrogate. I appreciate the selfless gift that you and women like you are giving to couples like my friend and her husband. I think that you are simply showing your human-ness in your blog and I appreciate that very much. I enjoy reading your updates. Keep going!
I think you'll be happy that you are honest and record what you are thinking when you look back on this experience... I love reading my own journals from years ago...
I sure hope no one gives you a difficult time. You are doing an amazing thing.
You're ALLOWED to be frustrated, pissed off, and generally cranky. Knowing and being mindful of your IM's previous losses and their effect on her is good -- but you ARE taking good care of these babies. Venting can be like therapy (only cheaper!)...
Love your blog! This is my first post although I've been lurking for a while.
Please use your blog to unload your true feelings! What pregnant woman has never thought "Why in the world did I do this?" while feeling tired, sick and frustrated? You have every right to have many emotions as a Surrogate, and buffering your posts is an injustice to yourself. Please share your true experience with us all! If anyone is offended, it will not be because you are inhumane, just human.
Post a Comment