# 3?

I've been asked by my husband and my best friend if I'm going to do this again. (surrogacy)

While I'm not necessarily going to seek it out, if an opportunity arose, I'm pretty sure that I would like to do this one more time.

Of course there's things that I'd change, or look for in a third attempt.

I would prefer to:


1. Go the independent route.

I've found that the agency wasn't worth the money they were paid, and if anything they may have made things a little more difficult than things needed to be.


2. Carry for second time IPs (already have a child/ren though surrogacy)

A) They realize what surroogacy is all about, and I won't have to walk them through the process like I have for these last two surrogacies.
B) Since this will be my last surrogacy I won't be available to do "a sibling project". Most second time IPs won't be looking to go through a third surrogacy. They're more than finished after two successful pregnancies/surrogacies.
C) It would be wonderful to be able to talk to their surrogate from their first time around. References are always a good thing.
My IPs from 2005 offered to speak to any potential IPs about me that wanted to contact them. I would hope to be able to do the same thing (talk to their surro) if I was considering working with second time IPs.


3. IPs that have frozen embryos.

The rollercoaster of cycling kills me. Synchronizing our cycles, waiting to see if the IM's E2 is rising, how many follicles she has growing, how many eggs are retrieved, how many fertilize, how many make it day three or day five... All of that is so damn hard. I'd love to skip all of that. To be able to do a FET? Sounds like heaven to me.

4. IPs that don't live close.

I would re-consider this if Sally & Don, the first couple I worked with, decided they wanted to cycle again. But only for them.
I've realized that a little space is good.


I would insist on:


1. Sticking to a TWO embryo transfer. Let me tell you, that's what I put in our contract, that's what we agreed to, but once I got the slightest pressure to add the third embryo, I caved. And then I shit my pants from the high beta until our first ultrasound. Not going to do that again.

2. An increase on parts of my compensation. Some things I was too low on, some things weren't included. I didn't want to ask for too much at the beginning. Now that they're not a part of our agreement, I wish I'd have spoke up. Feeling used isn't good. Ask for what you think is fair. I have a better idea of my needs this time around.

So far, that's what I'm thinking. Going to give it some more thought.

The "big" ultrasound- 18 1/2 weeks

All measurements look great. Perfect. Well 90% of them. I have to go back in two weeks to get a couple shots of the heart, and I think one of the kidneys. Other than that, the babies look gorgeous.

Overheard during the ultrasound.

Tech to Baby A.

"Move baby. Move. Stretch out. Agh! Why are you all curled up like that? I can't see what you are!" (trying to find out the sex) Repeat.

Very skilled ultrasound Tech to Baby B.
Same thing. (trying to find out the sex) Repeat.

Then they made me go for a 5 minute walk to get the babies to move.

Then, Baby A, the one I've told Carly time and time again was a boy because he's rambunctious and kicks the crap out of me, opened it's legs.
The Tech froze the screen and said, "Ok, don't scream OK? Promise?"
We nodded. I could already tell what it was.
Carly said "It's a Boy?" (but she wasn't sure)
The Tech said "You're right!" We kinda screamed anyway. Not tooo loud though. The Tech (and her student laughed) I started crying because I'm a big sap.
Then the Tech quickly zoomed over to Baby B. I've told Carly she's a girl because her movements feel gentle and quiet. ;)
Right away the Tech got her shot, and froze the screen again. I didn't even have time to check out the screen before the Tech said, "Now this time, you PROMISE not to scream?" We nodded again, and Carly said "It's a girl?" with hope in her voice. The Tech said "Yep!"
I sat up like a rocket, and Carly started hugging me getting ultrasound gel all over her.
It was a great moment.

OK- have to go re-bandage Allen. (who is doing better day by day)
No time to spell check.












.

Surgery Update

Allen's surgey went well. It was 3 1/2 hours long. His surgeon took out 14-16 inches of bowel that was "severely diseased, spots were attached to his insides, but the rest looked great."
His incision runs from his belly button straight down to his pubic hair line, about 5 inches long.

When I went to visit Allen after surgery in the recovery room, he was in severe pain. He was moving his legs all about and moaning in pain. He was supposed to have an epidural and be numb from bellybutton down. The epidural didn't work.
I was pissed. The kept giving him morphine, and dilodin? (sp) They said they were giving him enough to numb a horse. It wasn't working.

There was also blood filling his catheter bag along with his urine. I guess they may have "done a little damage when putting in the stints for his catheter"
It was bleeding the entire time he was in recovery, one more reason why he was in there so long.

I was only allowed to go back and see him once an hour, 15 minutes at a time while he was in recovery. He stayed in recovery from 11:30am until almost 9pm.
It was hell. I was trying my best to keep my shit together and not cry.
I just couldn't stand to see him in that much pain.

I finally had to leave, Allen still knocked out, but grimacing in pain in his sleep. I had to get home to the kids. They had school the next day. I was exhausted from spending almost 14 hours in the hospital waiting room by myself.(and limited time in recovery)
So when I left he still wasn't settled in a regular room. That upset me quite a bit.

The only thing that made me feel OK going home, was knowing that the surgery went really well. Now it was all about pain management and recovery.

He was brought to a regular room sometime after I left Tuesday night.

The next day they took the catheter out and the bleeding stopped. Allen got a morphine pump, and they gave him enogh drugs to keep most of the pain away.

Yesterday and today he's ben up walking (shuffling) the halls, per Drs orders.

This evening he got pudding and broth and tea for dinner. (full liquids)

He may come home by tomorrow evening.

Thanks so much for all the great feedback on my last post about Carly and our recent issues.

And the well wishes for Allen are much appreciated.


18 1/2 week ultrasound this Monday morning!

Can't sleep

Allen is having surgery in the morning.
We have to be at the hospital by 5:30am. 4 1/2 hours from now, and I'm not in bed yet. Well, I was in bed, but it was no use. Couldn't sleep.

He's having a major section of his sigmoid colon removed, due to his diverticulitis. The hospitalization he had back in December. It's finally surgery time.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Lots going on.

Carly and I haven't been speaking as much, and for now, that's a good thing.
I'm having a hard time with her right now. Lately it's been due to compensation, and her questioning me over the most simple of things, things that were drawn up in our contract, and she acts like she's totally surprised when she has to pay for them. And she ask me about it, which makes me uncomfortable. And I've told her that before.

One mistake I made was that I agreed to let her pay my compensation by month, rather that her having to put the total amount into escrow up front.

So, each time something comes up, my agency has to contact her to send money to the account, so things can be covered.

Carly constantly mentions to me that she hates the fact that the agency always calls her about sending more money. Well, if she would have put a lump sum in the account up front, she wouldn't constantly hear from them. They would just send me the compensation, and send her an updated statement each month.

Last week, she asked me why she was paying me .xx cents per mile to the Dr.s office.
I reminded her that it was her request that I go to her OB-Gyn's office, and it is 40 minutes from my house, about 30 miles. Roundtrip that is 60 miles, and is not considered local travel. Anything over 25 miles roundtrip (or something to that effect) she's required to give me gas money/milage.
This is clearly stated in our contract.
As a matter of fact I specifically remember her telling me this a few months ago. " I just appreciate it so much that you're willing to travel out of your way, to my Ob-gyn. I don't mind having to pay your milage. I've been seeing him for almost 20 years, and I'm just so happy that you'll be under his care"

The thing that pisses me off is this.

1. The things I've asked for are fair, and totally standard. Don't act surprised about any of it. Didn't she read the contract before she signed it? (more about this to follow)

2. Don't talk to ME about it! Talk to the agency. She knows I don't want to deal with that aspect of our relationship. It makes me feel cheapened in some way.

3. Don't complain about a favour you asked of me! I'll BE GLAD to go back to seeing my female ob-gyn whom I adore, She's FIVE minutes from my house. That way, she won't have to pay me a dime extra.


Let me share a little something from back in January.

It is very common to get a transfer fee. Mine was average, compensation wise.

When we went through our contract stage, Carly called me asking me if I would go over our contract (compensation part) with her. She said she had some questions that she needed clarification on.
In the section about the transfer, it said "D will get compensated $xxx for each embryo transfer"
Carly asked me if that $XXX was for EACH EMBRYO, because then that amount would be double if I accepted two to be transferred etc. I said no. That ment that amount for each embryo TRANSFER, the transfer itself, no matter how many were tranferred.
Make sense?
Ok, so she asked me if we could have the wording made clearer. I said sure. And I made sure it was changed.
Now, here we go.

The night before our transfer, I got a call from Carly. She was freaking out. Telling me how she had just gotten off the phone with Sugar (our agency owner)
That she DIDN"T KNOW that she had to pay $XXX for the transfer! And she told me all about how she was "screaming" at Sugar, and how she was "so loud, Ben heard me in the house and I was in the closed garage" and how she was so mad at Sugar, it was Sugar's fault for not explaining the contract with her.
???
She had me in tears, as I was so upset that she was making such a big deal out of this. To me, she was already arguing about $ and was making me feel that what I was doing wasn't worth compensating.
It was no ones fault but hers that she didn't understand. Of course I had just explained the transfer fee to her a few weeks before.
You know, I really don't care if I say how much it was.
It was $500.

Yeah. She has a surrogate that has agreed to let her pay monthly, not upfront, (so I don't have any kind of safety net if she quits sending compensation)
I agreed not to go back to work this year, I don't have a loss of organs fee, or MANY other fees that a regular contract has.
I was feeling very used at that point, like she was trying to rip me off.

I had been through 2 months of contracts, doctors appointments pills, and shots, and really up to that point in a surrogacy agreement, there isn't a lot to be compensated for. This was the first thing that I would receive $ for. And she was trying to fight it? And I had to explain to her what it was for? Like I was trying to fight for my worth. It was terrible. Once I started crying and explained it to her, she said she felt bad, and agreed to pay it. We transferred 3, 5 day blasts the next morning, and within the week we knew I was pregnant.

Here's the kicker. A couple of weeks later, Carly slipped (I forget how) and told me that SUGAR had payed me my transfer fee, out of her own pocket. (the agency owner)
And Carly let her.
All because Carly flipped out on her, saying she should have explained the contract better to her.

THAT my friends bothers me.

So you see now why there's been stress on my part with Carly. And that isn't all of it. But I'm tired now. And I'm not spell checking this vent.

Allen's surgery is in a few hours.

Nite.

*edited to add*
I just read this though ( I'm still not going to fix all those spelling and grammar mistakes!) and I need to add something.
Before you think that maybe Carly is freaking because they don't have the money for this surrogacy, they do.
They just took a week long cruise in December, and they just got back from an 8 day stay in Las Vegas- 2 weeks ago. She's a full time high school teacher, and has told me that she's at the top of the pay scale. (she even told me her yearly salary, why? I don't know)
She also teaches college 2 nights a week. Ben is a stock trader, and she's even told me what he makes every day.

She comes from a wealthy family. Trust me.

She also has prided herself on being able to get bargains whereever she goes, getting discounts etc. She recently (last week) called herself "Discount Carly" to Ben, while I was on the phone.


End of story.

Different is good.

Tell me something that you like to snack on. Preferably something interesting.

Lately, I haevn't been able to eat a full meal. I start to feel sick, and my stomach hurts after eating just a little bit of my meal. So I've started snacking.
Whole wheat toast with peanut butter. A mug of homemade soup. Etc. But I'm getting bored. I need new ideas.

It doesn't have to be way out there, just something that the general public doesn't eat, or that I probaby don't eat on regular basis.
For example, I like to eat small curd cottage cheese with tons of pepper, on top of a thin cheddar rice crisp. So very good.

Please make it something that's easy easy for me to buy or replicate.
Don't tell me about this awesome thing that you eat, available in Alaska.

This morning was our Ob-gyn appointment.

My BP pressure was slightly elevated, but not enough to concern them.

I had trace amounts of protien in my urine but not enough to raise any eyebrows.

The nurse said I was up 8 pounds, which I know is bullshit. I've gained maybe 2 pounds sine my last visit 4 weeks ago. I weigh myself daily, my digital scale goes in .2 increments. There's nothing wrong with my scale. I think the nurse wrote it down wrong last month.

Carly asked for a look at the babies, and our sweet Dr. said "sure". They looked so great! We just got a quick peek at each of them, 2 minutes total, but we got to see them moving their arms and turning their heads. I even saw little fingers today.

Both baies are laying across my abdomen. Their heads are near my right hip, and their feet are towards my left hip. No wonder I'm feeling so much movement on my left at night! I have 4 feet kicking me there!

I asked our Dr if he would be the one performing my c-section, should it be needed. He said yes.

I asked him what his policy was regarding how many could be in the OR. He said he doesn't mind 2 (Carly and Ben) and then if I wanted Allen to come in to sit with me for the remainder of the surgery after the babies are out, and Carly and Ben could leave the OR with the babies that he wouldn't mind. BUT it depends on who else is working that day, we are going to be in "their house" and whatever the hospital people say that day, we have to abide by. But he also said that "They're human and they can sometimes be persuaded."


I asked him if he is comfortable letting me attempt a vaginal delivery if the twin closest to the cervix was head down, and the other wasn't. Would he let me deliver the first one and attempt turn the second one.
He said no. Unless BOTH babies are head down going into labour, I'll be getting a c-section.


I think that's about it.

Weekend Update

Friday night I was on the phone with Carly and I was bored. So I said offhandedly, " I should come visit you". Right away she started squealing "Yes! Come visit! Are you really thinking of coming over?" She was super excited. I said "sure, why not?"
This was around 7pm.
She lives about 50 minutes from me, and I've never seen her house.
So I hopped in the shower, and headed out by 8pm.
I arrived at 9, and visited with her and Ben until 12pm. We had a great visit.
Our phone calls have been a little strained lately, and I think that this visit was just what we needed.
When I arrived, I showed her and Ben my belly. Carly gasped! She thought it was so great.
When I was about to leave, Carly seemed bummed that I was leaving. I reminded her that even if I left right then, I wouldn't even get home until almost 1am.
I had to talk to her on my cell phone for the first 15 minutes or so after leaving her house, due to the fact it was so dark, and it was hard to find all the street signs I needed.
While we were talking, she told me that she would have been happy if I had wanted to spend the night. That made me feel good. I knew then that they had really enjoyed me coming over.

I can't believe we're heading into pregnancy week 17!

We have our OB-Gyn appointment tomorrow morning. Right now we're going every 4 weeks.

In other news, last night (Sat) the phone rang at 1:40am and it was my best friend. My best friend is my sister-in-law, Lee. She called me crying, saying that my brother-in-law (Allen's brother, Duke) was vomiting blood and was hallucinating a bit. He refused to go to the hospital.
A bit of background-
Duke (my husbands brother) is a good hearted guy. A good person. But he's an alcoholic. He was hospitalized a few years ago, twice, and almost died. His liver almost completely shut down and he was every shade of green and then yellow for months. He looked like an alien with green face paint on. It was unreal.
he was released, and told that if he didn't quit drinking, it would kill him.
Well, we think he stopped for about a year, then slowly started sneaking liquor. His choice- straight vodka.
Lee, had started finding his hidden bottles here and there over the last couple of years. He still refuses to go to AA or get any kind of outside help.
This past couple of weeks , Lee has found 2 more bottles.
Then this past week, she told me that she knew something was wrong, he had been sleeping almost every day, all day. ( my brother-in law doesn't work, he's got other issues as well)

So last night, Lee called me, freaking out. Duke was vomiting black blood (like coffee grounds she says) just like a few years ago when he almost died.
She could not get him to go to the hospital.
Another point to mention here is that they don't have insurance of any kind, and haven't had any since Duke lost his cleaning company last August. (the one I used to work for)
So she is completely breaking down on the phone.
I talked to her until almost 4am, and then we hung up, with her unable to force him to go get help.

When I woke up this morning, Allen told me that Lee had called, and Duke finally agreed to go to the hospital.
We went and visited them today, as the hospital is only 5 minutes from our house.
So far, he has been admitted, and they are running tests on him. He is already starting into his DT's, shaking and hallucinating from the lack of alcohol. He was thanking Lee for bringing Vito (one of their dogs) and putting him under the hospital bed. He's a mess. And he'll only get worse over the next while.

I feel so badly for my sis-in-law and best friend. She has been keeping her family (they have 2 boys)together for so long. She loves a good man with a bad addiction.
I hope that this time, is the one that wakes Duke up. But I said that the last 2 times, and you can't make someone get help, who doesn't want help.

So that's my update, I'm tired, and I don't have time to check for spelling mistakes.
Forgive me.

Awww you guys... *shuffle feet*

Thanks for all the great comments and emails.

I find that I really want this journal to be a place where I can let it all out.
But I'm learning that in reality, it's a very difficult thing to do.
I'm censoring so much.

Here's the thing. For me so far, this surrogacy is almost 100% about the relationship I have with Carly, and to a lesser extent Ben.
And the things that have been bothering me are Carly related.

I'm just having a hard time dealing with her worry, and daily monitoring etc. I know why she's like this, she's lost 6 babies. So I knew before I even met her that she would be hyper vigilant, protective and a huge worrier. So, I get that. I truly do. I do my very best to soothe her worries. I go way out of my way in fact. But I'm starting to wear down. I find that I want to avoid her phone calls. (which I don't, but i want to...)
It's very hard.
I know she trust me 100%. She's just so afraid that something is going to go wrong like it has to her, so many times.
It's hard trying to take care of myself, the twins and her...

And yes, I've told her about the blog, and how much I've put "out there" and she's OK with all of it. But she doesn't know the name or URL, and she really isn't a computer type of gal, so I don't have a lot of worries about her looking for it. Plus she'd just ask me if she wanted to read it and if I needed to, I'd pull anything down that might hurt her feelings.

I'm just afraid of talking about how she's making me feel etc, because I fear a lot of my readers are women who read Julie's big list, are having hard times themselves and may think of me badly and will side with my IM.

Make sense?

Anyway, thank you all for the great comments. I think I'll be posting more soon.
I'll try to tell the truth about the intricacies of a surrogacy relationship, in the best way that I can. It's not easy!

1 day shy of 16 weeks!

Carly and I had a long talk tonight. About an hour and a half!
She told me all about her family and their plans for her baby shower.
And like all families, there have been bumps in the road, and differences of opinions.
It's fun to get to sit back, and be a part of things, yet not be involved at the same time.
Carly has 1 Mom, 4 sisters, and one sister-in-law. So there's a lot of ideas being kicked aroound. I guess at one point he sister Camille said to Carly "Why don't we just give you the money that we're gong to spend on the shower, and you can use it to buy everything you need. I mean people are going to come visit you after the babies are born and bring you gifts then, and they shouldn't have to give 2 gifts."
WTH?
Yeah.
Carly said her reply was something like " I don't need gifts after they're born, I kind of need to be set up before their born. And I don't expect them to bring me gifts when they visit too..."

I said to Carly. " AGH! What the hell is she thinking! It's not even about the GIFTS! It's about celebrating the upcoming arrival of your children! It's about spending the day around people you love, and opening gifts, and having this be YOUR TIME, YOUR DAY! How many baby showers have YOU attended"
Carly said "A million" (they have a huge family, and are expecting well over 100 women at the shower)
Then Carly stared saying "You're right! I should have told her that! These babies are my miracles!"

Oops. I hope I didn't add too much fuel to the fire.

As for the pregnancy, did I tell you that I've been feeling the babies move since around 13 weeks? Crazy hunh? We'll be 16 weeks this Thursday. Their movements are getting stronger and I have to say, the first night I felt their little swimming movements inside, I smiled and had tears in my eyes. It was such a great moment. I loved telling Carly the next day. She couldn't believe it. But it was the babies moving that night almost 3 weeks ago, and I've felt them every night since, always around 11:30pm, when I lay on my left side in bed. So amazing.

I'm still on the Zofran, and I've tried not taking it a couple of times over the past week.
NOT a good idea.
This morning as soon as I got up, before I could even take my pill, I was gagging and threw up bile into the kitcheen sink. At 8am. Nice.
The other problem I've been having is constipation, and believe me, I've been trying everything to get back to normal, and nothing's working.
Metamucil, Colace, fruit, beans, lots of water, and today even 2 infant glycerin suppositories. Nothing. Well nothing but a few pellets.
Any ideas?


Let's see what else? You know, I lay in bed at night and I think of all these things to tell you, and then when I sit down to write, nothing.

So that's it for now. My brain just died and it's time for bed.

Here's the deal

I haven't been posting.

The reason is because I want to be able to let it all hang out and I feel that I can't. I want to be able to be talk about everything, and I feel that I have to censor myself. I'm scared to post about my true feelings. I'm afraid to bitch or whine, lest my readers think I'm not happy about what I'm doing. I'm afraid to give you guys the wrong idea about what it is really like.
Am I making any sense here?

So I've found that since I havn't been giving the whole story, I'l just give none of it, just important updates. And yet, that feels like a disservice too.

I just don't know what to do. I started this journal with the intention of giving an accurate account of what it's like to have a surrogacy, and the complicated relationship it entails, with all the feelings associated with one. Instead, I've found that it's much harder than anticipated, and I'm afraid of the judgement I'll get if I do.

Help.

13 weeks

Just a quick post to say that everything is A-OK.
I'm 13 weeks tomorrow, and things are going great.
We had our first Ob-Gyn visit Monday morning, and we got to have a quick peek at the little munchkins, and I didn't even have to take my pants off this time!
Hooray for abdominal ultrasounds!
We have our 18wk U/S scheduled. Hopefully the babes will cooperate and we'll find out the sexes. I scheduled it for the day after Mother's day- Monday May 15th.

Also, thank God for Zofran. I am feeling like my old self again.

More soon.

I hurt so much

MAURICE, Aubert "Pete" peacefully, surrounded by his family on March 23, 2006 at Hotel Dieu Grace Hospital as a result of an automobile accident in Lakeland, Fl. Beloved husband and best friend of Vivian (Shipko) (nee Gagnon) and the late Angeline Allegretti (1970). Loving father of Victor, Berny, Carmen and Connie, of LaSalle; Angela and Rick Bastien, of Essex. Cherished grandfather of Charles, Donna, Julie, Danielle, Jaclyn, Rachelle, Peter, Renee, Jaimie, and Jennifer. Great-grandfather of Caitlin, Tyler, Brigitte, Tayla, Larissa and Andrea. Dear brother of Angeline Juneau, of Mi., and the late Aldee and Irene Maurice, Gus and Marjorie Maurice, Jeanne and Paul Frigault, Donat and Ted Maurice, Beatrice and Wilfred Ouellette, Gerard Maurice and Roger Maurice. Brother-in-law of Irene Maurice, of Stoney Creek; Penny Maurice, Ronald and Julia Gagnon, of Belle River; Maurice and Sheila Gagnon, of Tecumseh; Jeanette and Lionel Poisson, of Rodney; Lloyd and Arlene Gagnon, of Henderson, Nev; Carolyn and Pete Daudlin, of Wheatley; Donald and Mae Gagnon, of Lincoln, Cal.; Allan and Michelle Gagnon, of Placentia , Cal.; Marlene and Paul Renaud, of Belle River; Denise Hillock and friend Zoli Voros, of Windsor; and Carmen Allegretti, of Fl. Also survived by many nieces and nephews. Pete was a retired locomotive engineer at CNR and was an avid golfer, fisherman and hunter. He was a member of the the Sutton Creek Golf and Country Club, Captain of the Retreads League and a member of the PGA Golf Pool. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the charity of one's choice. A special thank you to the staff of Lakeland Regional Hospital and Hotel Dieu Grace of Windsor. Visiting Saturday, from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. and Sunday, from 1:00 to 5:00 and 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. at The Marcotte Funeral Home and Chapel, 12105 Tecumseh Road, Tecumseh (735-2830). Prayers Sunday at 8:30 p.m. The Funeral will be held on Monday, March 27, 2006 at 9:45 a.m. from the funeral home to Parish of the Atonement Church, 2940 Forest Glade Drive, for a Mass of Christian Burial at 10:30 a.m. Fr. Clare Coleman will be the celebrant. Interment at Heavenly Rest Cemetery. A tree wil be planted in memory of A.J. "Pete" Maurice in the Marcotte Heritage Forest. A dedication service will be held on September 24, 2006. All are welcome. The family invites you to sign the Book of Condolence or to share a memory at www.marcotte-tecumseh.ca .


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I want to share his eulogy with you.( the words from the Grandchildren)
My sister wrote it. She did a beautiful job, and I want to share a bit of my Grandpa with you.




Once, in a quiet moment, Grandpa shared a thought similar to this: “Old friends pass away, new friends appear… An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend--or a meaningful day.”
Our Grandpa followed this type of philosophy throughout his life, and, in doing so, provided us with the perfect model of how to live and love.

Grandpa often had these moments of deep insight; but he also had a sparkling personality which inspired us to call him “just so cute.” This term of endearment was our way of expressing Grandpa’s passionate zest for life. He could play with trains, fly kites, relish his strawberries and ice cream, tell jokes, and laugh, with youthful exuberance. The twinkle in his kindly blue eyes as he adjusted our first grip on the putter, or guided our aim as we pitched our first horseshoe, was a manifestation of the pure pleasure and happiness our Grandpa radiated.

He taught us to play with determination, and have a strong spirit of competitiveness, while at the same time exhibiting values of honesty and good sportsmanship. Win or lose, he always had words of encouragement, and an affectionate smile, for his partner in the game. Never once did we hear Grandpa raise his voice, or say something hurtful about someone else. He had a consistently positive attitude around his grandchildren, which was inspirational.

Yet it was truly Grandpa’s unconditional love that had the greatest effect upon our lives, and caused each grandchild to blossom in his presence. How we will miss being greeted with that smile, which radiated warmth; that enormous bear hug, that made you feel enveloped in love; and of course, being told how beautiful each of us are. Grandpa always made every, individual grandchild feel special in his or her own way. He was such a genuine man; we would never doubt his sincere belief in each of us. Grandpa consistently made us feel comfortable to be ourselves around him. He was real, so we could be real with him. He loved us and was proud of us for simply being who we are—his grandchildren.

But it is we who are proud. It is we who have been so blessed to have a Grandpa who exemplified love, and living a meaningful life. If Grandpa left a legacy for his grandchildren, it is this: to live and love as he did.

A few days ago, I came across a poem with a message that seemed to be coming straight from Grandpa himself. It speaks of overcoming grief, and the continuation of life. So, in closing, I would like to share it with you all.

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I, and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was ….
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.

********************************************************************




I miss you so much Grandpa. I love you.

Hi There

Sorry to those I worried.

The spot was only a spot. It never showed up again. Thank God.

Last Friday we had our 10wk1day appointment. Both babies looked perfect, and each measured 10wks1day.

My estrogen was over 2,000 and my progesterone was at 38.
I'm finally allowed to stop all meds. No more shots!

Our next appointment at the fertility clinic is this Friday when we'll be 11wks1day, and it will also be our last visit.

Next Friday is our first visit to the Ob-Gyn.

I've been really sick, headaches and nauseousness every day. I'm getting really tired of feeling this way. Hopefully I'll feel better soon, and then maybe I'll have more to say.

So far so good

Since that one spot of blood last night, there's been nothing. So that's good news. I'm keeping a close eye on things though.

And to the commenter that said this "I assume Carly doesn't know about this blog, otherwise you wouldn't be posting the question. It does seem a bit strange that so many in the blogging world are aware of this personal story without her knowledge."

You're wrong. She does in fact know about this blog, but she doesn't read it. She knows I am sharing a lot about us, and she doesn't mind. Carly,(not her real name)
is a very open woman who will tell anyone who will listen about IVF, surrogacy and what we're doing. Please don't assume. You know what they say about that.

It's only a spot, right?

Ok, I just went to the bathroom and a round spot of bright red blood was on the toilet paper.
(thanks to all all of the journals I read, I'm an obsessive toilet paper checker now)
I havent had sex, nor do I have any other reason to give.
The spot was about the size of an eraser head.
Small, I know but I'm freaking out just a little.
Praying that it's nothing.
Here's the thing. Call Carly or no?
I'm leaning towards no, just because I don't want to freak her out. But, I know she wants to know, and surely has a right to know every little detail. We talk every day, and she quizzes me on my symptoms, etc.
Advice?

Another good ultrasound

Today's ultrasound and blood letting was just super, thanks for asking.

Baby A measured 15.3mm and 7wks 6days and Baby B measured 16.0mm and 8wks 0days. For some reason, the machine at my clinic doesn't have a measurement for the heartrates, but they were both nice and fast, just the way they should be. My nurse also saw the amniotic sacs forming(and she showed me), which is just what she was looking for this week. The babies definitely had a baby shape to them this week, which was cool. They're still blobs, but more like baby blobs with head, arm and legs buds. Very cool.

My levels were as follows.
HCG 100,000+
Progesterone 28
Estrogen 1600+

Starting today I am being weened off of my meds.
I don't have to take the Estrace tablets anymore, but I still have to wear my Climara patches.
I don't have to take my Crinone suppositories, but I do have to do my 2cc injections of PIO every other night.
Basically my meds were cut in half. I'm good with that.

Feeling very nauseous today. Going to lay back down.

And hey, thanks to everyone who's commented lately. I'm digging that.

Hi

Nothing much to report here. Not sure why I can't find anything to write about.

We had an ultrasound again last Friday, and both babies had done one weeks worth of growing. So everything was right on track.

We have another ultrasound tomorrow (8wks1day), and I think one more next Friday(9wks1day) and then I will be released to a regular Ob-Gyn.

Right now I'm stil on PIO injections, Climara patches, Estrace tablets and Crinone gel suppositories.
I'll be so glad to be off of all these meds.

As for Carly and I, we talk almost every day. She tells me how she wakes up happy every day.
Yesterday, she had a bit of a problem with the mother of one of her students. The woman ended up hanging up on her. When Carly related the story to one of her teacher friends, her friend said to her, "So what! You have twins on the way!" and Carly said that's exactly how her mindset has been lately. The joy of these babies is always on her mind.

Now. As incredible as this makes me feel, I never realized the pressure that this puts me under.

I find myself worrying, praying that everything will be OK. I really worry the night before each ultrasound.
I feel like the health of these babies is completely on my shoulders, and a good outcome rests solely on me.
It's making me crazy.
Carly's relaxed and upbeat, positive that this time it's going to work, and she'll have her long awaited for babies this fall.
I am hesitant, and nervous, wanting to shield her, protect her from possible heartbreak.
How ridiculous is this? I never expected to feel this way.

TWINS!

The ultrasound revealed 2 beautiful babies, both with hearts just beating away.

Everyone here is over the moon.

More soon.

Numbers

Todays beta number = 15,385. (20dp5dt)

Perfectly doubling every 48 hours since our first beta of 58.1 at 6dp5dt.

Our ultrasound is scheduled for this Friday morning.

Waiting

We're just waiting for Monday to check my levels again, and waiting for next Friday for the ultrasound.

Carly calls me everyday to see how I'm feeling and see how things are going.

Ben is worried that it may be triplets, Carly has told him that "whatever we're blessed with, we're keeping."
I, of course am scared silly that it's trips, but in my contract I said I'd carry them, and I will. But obviousy I'm hoping for twins or a singleton.

The only symptoms I've been having are headaches and tiredness.
I feel the occasional small twinge or tug around my uterus/left side.

Other than that, there's nothing going on. And that's a good thing.