Sensitive Soul

The Final Post

2009-05-11T10:02:00.007-04:00

So much has happened since that last post. I decided to do one more surrogacy. I matched with a new couple. We did a fresh cycle in March/April of 2008. We transferred one embryo. It didn't work.

We did cycle #2, a FET in May/June. Transferred 2 frozen embryos. I got pregnant! I was moving right along, betas doubling perfectly. We had an embryo measuring perfectly at 5 weeks 5 days gestation! My couple was elated! The next day I woke up to my pajamas saturated in blood. My bed soaked in blood. Went for an emergency ultrasound to see what was going on. No embryo to be seen. Continued to bleed and miscarried over the next week. I will omit the heartbreaking and somewhat gory details.

We cycled again in August/September '08. Transferred 2 frozen again. It didn't work.

My couple decided to move on, and get a new surrogate. I was heartbroken.

After a few months, January of this year( 2009 ) my husband and I talked. He wants me back. He wants my body back. He admitted that although he has 100% supported my surrogacy journies, he wants me to be done with that chapter in my life. He sees the emotional and physical toll this has ultimately taken on my emotions, and my body. It was VERY hard to accept. But I realize that he is right.

Final numbers. 4 years. 7 IVF cycles. 1 twin pregnancy. 1 singleton pregnancy. 3 healthy gorgeous babies. 2 completed families. 2 sets of overjoyed and elated couples.
Pretty damn good. :)

I went to school from May 2007-June 2008 to become a licensed Massage Therapist. ( while carrying the last little boy for my IPs)
I graduated in June of 2008.
Since then I have been in my field and loving it. I am a full time Massage Therapist at a large hospital. I take care of rehabilitational patients.
Spinal patients, hip and knee replacemnt patients. I take care of the Drs and Nurses through the hospital's employee wellness program.

Now it's time to take care of me. I have many extra pounds to get rid of. On to that chapter of my life. I will conquer it too.

Thanks for reading and following my surrogacy journeys. Infertility is a bitch, but I gave her a good run for her money. I'm proud to have beaten her twice.

Delivery!

2007-10-02T18:37:00.001-04:00

I went to my IPs house in Chicago on Monday September 24th. At 9am on Thursday September 27th my water broke. At 12:53 Baby Boy was delivered by planned c-section. He was 7lbs 7oz, perfectly healthy and perfectly gorgeous. His parents are overjoyed. He went home with his Mom and Dad just 48 hours after birth. I convinced the OB to realease me after 48hrs, and I came home on Saturday also. I'm resting and recouperating.
Once again, it was an amazing and fulfilling experience.

Never went

2007-08-31T18:34:00.000-04:00

Well, we never went to Chicago. (yes that's the big city my IPs live in)
The OB cancelled a few days before. I guess she had some important function to speak at. Well la de da. Good for her. I won't meet her until delivery now. Whatever. I don't care who does the c-section, they just better do a good job.

34 weeks today!

28 weeks

2007-07-20T16:02:00.000-04:00

We're 28 weeks today!

Except for the fact that I found out today that I have gestational diabetes AGAIN, everything is going smoothly. My GD will be diet controlled, as it's not high enough to warrant insulin. So, that's good.

My relationship with these IPs is very different from last time. We really don't talk much at all! I email them a couple of times a week, and they email even less. Probably once a week. We only talk on the phone about once every two weeks.
It's strange, because they are very nice and we get along really well. It just seems that for all of us involved, our lives are busy, and we just call/contact each other when needed. It's hard to explain, but it works for us.

Allen and I are travelling to Big City where the IPs live in two weeks. We'll stay with them from Thursday night until Sunday. On that Friday we have an appointment for me to meet their OB for the first time. We'll get our c-section date then.
I know that they're very excited to see us, and they've offered to get us tickets to go to Second City and other assorted venues. Allen and I just want to visit with them and take it easy.

I think that's about it. I'll try to do better with the updating!

Well Hello

2007-06-01T20:03:00.000-04:00

We're at 21 weeks today. Everything is going well. I really like this set of IPs. They are so different than Carly and Ben.

Speaking of which, Carly sent me pictures of the twins from Easter, and some from last month. They are getting so big! And they're so cute. They're 9 months old today!

Also, for the person who asked in the comments, I re-established my archives just for you! I hope you get something worthwhile out of reading them. Surrogacy is truly an amazing experience. If it wasn't such a toll on the body, I would do it again.

Surrogacy #2

2007-02-21T16:35:00.000-05:00

It worked.

I am currently pregnant for my most recent couple.
We transferred 2 3 dayers on Jan 22nd.
By 6dp3dt i had faint positive tests.
On day 7, I got a Clearblue Easy to read pregnant.
We had our ultrasound on Monday(6weeks 3 days)and we saw one embryo, measuring on target with a heart rate of 125bpm.
The couple is elated.
So am I.

I just wanted to update the few of my past readers that were still checking in.

'Tis the skating season

2006-11-20T18:42:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that my daughter figure skates? Here is her dress for this season's competitions. We had it custom made. I just love it.

They're hard to see, but there are hundreds of sparkly crystals throughout the front and back of the dress, and on the straps. The flowers are all hand painted.

Phil and Laura

2006-11-07T14:38:00.000-05:00

The meeting went really well. Phil and Laura are about as opposite of Carly and Ben as can be. They listen more than they talk, they're quiet, formal and reserved. Don't get me wrong, they're not stuffy or boring. They seem really loving and warm. Just quiet. I really liked them. Allen did too.

We had a great brunch in the hotel dining room. We met at 11am and went our seperate ways around 2pm. We decided at the end of brunch that we were a good match. We shook hands when we met, we hugged by the time we left. I think that pretty much sums it up.

Flurry of phone calls

2006-10-27T22:40:00.000-04:00

Before I could call Sugar and let her know that we chose the weekends of November 11th or 18th, Allen called the other supervisor that works Saturdays with him. He found out that the guy has already booked the weekend of the 11th off, and Allen can't leave the building without a supervisor that Saturday. So when I called Sugar last night, I offered the weekend of the 18th or the 25th.

Sugar called me around dinner time today. She said that she called the couple (I need to get them some pseudonyms)and left them a message about the dates we chose.
They called her back and said that they are very excited to meet us, and they wanted to know if we would be able to meet them any sooner than the weekend of the 18th/19th and that it was going to be tough to have to wait so long. (in a good way)

So that only leaves us with the next weekend, the 4th/5th of November.

So I spoke to Allen, and we decided that yes, we would be willing to drive to Big City next Saturday and meet on Sunday.

I called Sugar and let her know that we would move things up. I asked her if she would book us at the great hotel she did last time, as we liked it very much. She said absolutely.

She called IPs and told them we were willing to meet them next Sunday morning.

Sugar called me back and said that the IPs would like to pay, and would like to put us up at a hotel (pricer) that is 1/2 closer to us than the original hotel, is right on a magnificent shopping strip (not that that matters to me) and is right in the heart of big city. Well, that was nice! Sugar also asked if we could all meet at 11am Sunday morning?

So we said that sounded fine, and Sugar called them back to solidify things.

That's where it stands right now.

Side note- Right after I hung up with Sugar, Carly called. It's funny, I feel like she's getting more real and open with me since the babies arrived. She also said something which really touched my heart. She told me that "Everyone asks about you, and how you're doing-even my hairdresser tonight! I tell them that I'm so thankful that it was you that we had to carry our babies. You are so knowledgeable! You calmed us down through so much of it, and even after they were born when we were so nervous. Yes, someone else could have carried for us, but not the way you did. We're very lucky."
Man, I almost started crying. This was the most heartfelt thing she's said to me.
I think that finally the realiity of having her babies here, 8 weeks later, she is settling in, settling down and looking at her babies and realizing what I did for them. I finally feel like she truly appreciates me.

Taking another trip to the big city

2006-10-26T18:38:00.000-04:00

Sugar called me this afternoon. Couple #1 "just loved" my profile and my pictures. (Sugar said she sent two) They said that they're OK with what I'm asking for compensation. They said that they think I sound like a really good match for them. They want Allen and I to pick a couple of weekends that would be good for us to meet.

It looks like we'll be heading to the big city sometime mid November if everything works out. Allen and I are offering to meet them the weekend of the 11th or 18th.

Off to call Sugar and tell her the dates that we chose.

Couple #1

2006-10-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

So, Allen and I decided on couple #1.

We went back and forth between them and couple #2, and ultimately chose #1. Both of these couples have done IVF, have had losses, live in the same state, have the same clinic, the same RE, etc.
The main reason we decided to #1 over the others was the fact that they are the oldest couple (her 37, him 44) and they don't have time on their side like couples #2 and #3. Also, it just doesn't seem right to help a couple with a beautiful 4yr old daughter over a couple that doesn't have any children. I know that it isn't fair to compare primary infirtility and secondary infirtility, but when I looked at all the other factors, that was the only way I could make a decision.

I have to admit, I'm a bit scared though. Couple #1 hasn't cycled in 3 years, since IM was 34. She's 37 now. I asked and found out that her last cycle yeilded 11 eggs and 3 embryos.

My head tells me to go with couple #2. Younger, with a triplet(loss) prgnancy through IVF. I feel the odds are better for me to get pregnant for them.

My heart however leads me to help couple #1. I hope I'm not setting myself up for cycle after cycle of shots and meds and dissappointment.

I told Sugar of our decision on Saturday.
I spoke with her again last night, and she said she's mailing them my new picture and profile today. They should have it by tomorrow or the next day.

Wheee!

2006-10-21T15:49:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the Surrogacy Screamer! Please remove all hats and sunglasses. Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Thank you and enjoy the ride!
Tick, tick, tick, going up...

I've decided to try one more surrogacy. Allen and I discussed at length the four couples profiles. I'll give you guys a smidgen of an idea about them. I'll tell you in order of pulling them out of the envelope.

Couple #1. Stapled on top of the paperwork was their picture. They both have brown hair and eyes. They are both smiling. He looks friendly. She looks shy. I felt comfortable just looking at them. I looked at their information. He is a clinical psychologist. She is a primary school teacher. He is 44 she is 37. They have had one loss. They have done IVF before. She has uterine abnormalities. They live in another state. The writing to the profile questions looks male, and the answers are short and to the point. I can't get much of a feel for what this couple is like.

Couple #2. When I looked at their picture I was immediately stuck by their good looks. She's blonde, he's brunette. They are both 34. They look like they are full of energy. She is in advertising, he is in investments. They had one miscarriage prior to having their 4 /2 year old daughter. They went through IVF and lost a triplet pregnancy. With their picture was a 2 page letter from the couple that told me their story, and I didn't get through the first paragraph without stopping to cry. It twisted my insides up reading the rest. How was I going to choose? They also live in another state.

Couple #3. I immediately felt like I knew this couple when I looked at their picture. Like they were already friends of ours. They were cute and friendly looking, kind of laid back. She's blonde and very pretty, he's a nice looking brunette. She is 31, he is 32. They have no children. They have had one loss. She has uterine issues. They have not done IVF before. She is an HR rep, he is in commercial real estate. Her answers to the profile questions seemed real, and tugged at my heart. They also live in another state.

Couple #4. When I looked at their picture I was indifferent. She was smiling. He was not. She looks quiet. He looked introverted. She is an internal specialist. He is in Computers. She is 33, he is 39. They have one 4 year old child. She had a hysterectomy. Their answers in their profile are short and to the point, telling me nothing extra about them. They also live in another state.
My gut feeling was to put them at the #4 spot already, and I felt bad for a minute, already knowing that this was not the couple that I would be helping. This was so hard!

Now I know why Sugar usually sends one profile at a time. She usually picks who she thinks will be the best match for you, and then sends just that profile. You look it over, and decide if you would like your profile sent back to the couple, if you think you may be a match for them. If they like you, you set up a face to face meeting.

This time, Sugar said she would like me to have as many options as possible. So she sent me what she thought would be the 4 best matches, ones I would like.
I really appreciated this, but I ended up wanting to help 3 of them!

More later, have to drive Kate to a friends house.

So soon?

2006-10-16T18:45:00.000-04:00

I just want to take a minute and address the comments/questions/concerns about my possible second surrogacy.
I don't know why, but I'm feeling a little sensitive about the questions on this subject.

The babies were born September 1st. I just received 4 couples' profiles last week. It will be November at the earliest before I would be able to meet any of them, probably December before a contract was in place, January by the time a cycle could start and February for a transfer. And that's as FAST as I could see it happening. A February/March/April transfer is what would be realistic, if I decided to continue along this path, trying to do a second surrogacy. That puts me at the 5,6,or 7 month post pregnancy mark. I don't feel that's too soon to get pregnant again, and neither does my OB.
I just hope that the questions I've been getting about this are from a good place, and not out of judgement. Those that are judging me can kiss my butt.

Out off the 4 profiles that I got, 1 had me in tears (I had to put it down, dry my eyes and take a deep breath before I could pick it up again.)
1 I felt some strange connection/I feel like I already know them feeling.
1 I felt compelled to help (due to various factors)
and 1 I was indifferent about.

More about these couples, and what's going on, later.

I Heart Fall

2006-10-10T09:20:00.000-04:00

This is what my tree looked like this morning.
My house is on the right.
So pretty.

Not playing around

2006-10-09T20:51:00.000-04:00

While I was sitting at Kate's figure skating lesson this afternoon, Sugar called. She's overnighting me 4 couples profiles. I should get them tomorrow afternoon. Funny how fast she's moving. Wonder why there's such a fire under her butt this time?

I also got a semi job offer today. The owner's sister is the one who offered it to me, but it's the owner who I need to talk to, and the owner does the hiring. I called about it tonight.

Keeping all my irons in the fire.

Busy Weekend

2006-10-08T21:11:00.000-04:00

We had a busy weekend.
Friday afternoon Kate had marching band practice.
Friday night she had to play at the football game.
Friday night TJ stayed at a friend's house.;
Saturday Kate had an all day marching band competition, Allen worked overtime at work finishing his employees yearly reviews.
Today Kate, TJ and I spent the afternoon at Carly and Ben's visiting and hogging the babies.
When we got home my brother and my niece were here, and still are.
I ran to the grocery store, picked up what I needed for the kids lunches for the week, came home and made dinner for everyone.
I just got finished putting the kids to bed. After this entry I need to make lunches and go to bed. I'm whooped!

Me and the babies

Kate hogging the babies

TJ with the babies

Looksie

2006-10-07T17:35:00.000-04:00

The owner of the agency called me yesterday. She's sending me 3 couple's profiles to look over.
I told her that I didn't want her to let the couples know that I was looking at their sneek peek profiles. I don't want to get any of their hopes up, due to the fact that I'm not 100% sure that I'm doing a second surrogacy. Or that I'll even use an agency. I'm going to be much more selective, and things just need to feel right to me. We'll see. It may be a week or two before I receive the profiles because Sugar (agency owner) is waiting for a letter from one couple and pictures from another.

I've looked through the surrogate/IP classified ads on a couple of sites and none of the ads have jumped out at me, so I haven't replied to any.

I really feel like I'll know if the right scenario comes along. I'm keeping all of my options open.

On board

2006-10-04T19:55:00.000-04:00

My husband is on board for me to do a second surrogacy. He's such a terrific partner when it comes to supporting my endeavors.

Last night we went out to dinner. During dessert he came out with "Let me throw this by you... I want to get a new tattoo."
My eyebrows went up. My husband has only one tattoo, it's on his upper arm/shoulder. It's about 20 years old. It's not very big.
"I want to get it to cover up my old tattoo, I'm thinking about putting my family crest over it."
I pondered what he said for a moment.
"Let me throw this by YOU," I blurted, "I want to do another surrogacy!"
and then I sat there with a goofy grin on my face, waiting for him to laugh at me.
"I know" he said matter of factly, and then he smiled and said "10 years babe." (that's how long we've been together, and that's how well he knows me)
So then we discussed his cover up, and my possible second surrogacy and we shared an apple dumpling a la mode.
Isn't life grand?

Hmm...

2006-10-03T10:33:00.000-04:00

I have the "all clear" from the OB. It's been over a month already since the twins were born. He says I can get pregnant again in a couple of months, no problem.

I'm seriously thinking about doing one last surrogacy. Independant again? (Sally and Don) Or agency again? (Carly and Ben)
I know that my agency has waiting couples. The agency owner has already offered (of course) to match me if I ever wanted to do it again. She buttered me up with compliments like you wouldn't believe. I won't even sicken you by typing them here. They're that syrupy.
She also managed to drop a few hints about 2 different couples that she thought would be a great match for me, and proceeded to tell me how wonderful they were, and a little about each of them. Mmm hmm. She's quite the buisness woman that one!
But it worked, and now niggling thoughts are in my brain.
Should I start looking again?

Hmm...

Birth Story - Part 3

2006-09-28T21:35:00.000-04:00

So. The total time I spent waiting to get into the labor & delivery assessment area was about 45 minutes. I arrived at the hospital around 11:30am and was being wheeled back to be checked around 12:15pm.

Once I got back there things moved quickly. I was greeted by nurse Tracie. I handed her my cup of amniotic fluid and she handed me a cup to go and give her a urine sample. She put a hospital gown on my bed and told me to change into it once I got back from the bathroom.
Allen took a seat in a chair by the bed.
When I got back to my little triage room, I saw that my OB- Dr.W was there ahead of me.
He asked me where Carly and Ben were? (remember, he's been with Carly through all of her losses, he knew what a BIG deal this was.) I shrugged. The last time I had talked to her was right after my water broke at 10:30am. It was now almost 12:30pm, and Carly lives about 15 minutes from the hospital.
He did a check to confirm that my water had indeed ruptured. (Baby A-the boy)
They did this by peeking under my sheet and gown, and having me "Cough hard," so Dr.W and my nurse could watch and see if amniotic fluid would come out. Lovely. Of course it did. Then he did an internal.
He could tell by the internal check that baby boy was still breech. So he verified with me that we were headed to a c-section. Dr.W and my nurse discussed the fact that he (Dr.W) had a 1pm scheduled c-section for the lady in the next curtained off room. Dr.W said "She's going first" meaning me. I could tell that he wanted Carly and Ben's babies here safe as sound, as much as we did. Dr.W asked me if I wanted him to go call Carly and Ben. I said yes. He left.
My nurse asked me a million health questions, and got my IV started.
Dr.W came back and said that he had reached them, and that they were on their way.
Allen left the room to go and wait by the elevators for Carly and Ben.
From here on out, my memory is hazy. Everything was happening at once. My room was filling up with people and it was all action, and movement and everyone talking.
The next thing I remember is that the nurse anesthetist came in and talked to me about having a spinal, and the c-section procedure. I remember signing papers. I told someone- the head anesthetist Dr. or the nurse anesthetist about our situation and the fact that I wanted, no, I needed, BOTH Carly and Ben to be in the OR and witness their babies being born. They said they'd see what they could do, but that hospital policy was only one person allowed.

Finally Allen, Carly and Ben came through the curtain, I believe that both Carly and Ben hugged me. Carly told me that as soon as they stepped off the elevator and saw Allen that she burst into tears, and that Ben grabbed Allen and gave him a big hug and kissed him soundly on the cheek.
Allen said "now I know what whisker burn feels like." I laughed.
I heard Ben telling someone- Allen? me? that they took so long because Carly had to take a shower and get ready before leaving for the hospital. I still can't believe it took them almost 2 hours from the first phone call until they arrived. They almost missed the birth. Crazy.
Then, one of the nurses entered and handed Carly and Ben white jumpsuits to get into. We realized that they were both being allowed into the delivery room. They suited up. I started to tear up.
Another nurse put on my ID bracelets, one for me, one matching me to the babies.
Then, she had a second set, and she looked befuddled as to who she should give them to.
"We usually give them to the husband..." She trailed off.
I asked what the exact purpose of the second set of bracelets was. She said it is to allow access to the babies.
I asked her to please put them on Carly. And since the babies would probably be in the NICU, I knew that Carly was allowed to bring 2 people with her to see the babies at any time. That way Ben could just get in with her. Perfect.
Another nurse brought me a small cup of medicine. I think it was anti-nausea medicine. She told me to "down it like a shot." It was pretty nasty. Off to the OR I went.

The c-section went perfectly, I've never had one with my children so I was worried. But it was pretty darn good.
Carly and Ben sat by my head. They were told that they had to stay seated, but that when each baby was brought out, they could stand when told, if they wanted.
I told the anesthetist that I wanted to see too! He offered me a mirror. I said "Yes!"
After about 10 minutes,(I think) I heard, "It's a Boy!" and the anesthetist grabbed a big flat mirror and held it above my head, tilting it on an angle over the curtain. I could see my OB arms and gloves, and in them was a nice sized, but small wriggly red/pink baby and they were suctioning out his nose and mouth. He started to cry. I started to cry. I heard someone call out "1:30pm!" as the time of birth. Carly and Ben had stood up to see, and after a minute they were told "Ok, sit down."
They did, and Carly bent in half at the waist, leaning forward toward me, crying. I was already crying and I remember the male nurse anesthetist grabbing something gauzy and wiping my eyes. (my arms were tied loosely out to the side for the operation)
I heard someone call out "Baby boy is 4lbs 2oz!"
Then a minute or so later a nurse came around the corner and handed baby boy to Carly.
She held him for a minute and handed him to Ben. I remember her saying that she felt so excited that she might pass out. (not really) I told her she better not, that she'd miss the birth of her daughter, as they were about to pull her out.
"Here's baby girl!, she looks great too!" I heard.
"Ok, stand up!" someone said again. And Carly and Ben stood, and my mirror got held up, and I saw baby girl being suctioned out, and she was crying and I remember thinking that she looked a little bigger than the boy, and just as beautiful, red, and wriggly.
"1:32!" was called out as her time of birth.
Carly and Ben sat down, and I remember turning my head and looking back toward Ben, and his eyes were all shiny, and he was looking down at his son in his arms.
"4 lbs 12 oz!" they called out for baby girls weight. "Good job!" I heard them telling me from the other side of the curtain.
I remember saying out loud "This is even better than I thought it would be." And I was laying there crying my ass off.
Then a nurse brought baby girl and handed her to Carly. It was so incredible to see each of them sitting there with a baby in their arms.
We were talking about how much the babies looked like Carly, with their dark curly hair and her ethnic nose, when someone joked from behind the surgery curtain to Ben, " You sure that they're yours?"
Ben came right back with "I KNOW they're mine, I signed the cup!" and everyone in the room burst out laughing. It was great.
The babies needed to be checked out in the NICU- standard procedure for 34 weekers, and they still needed to finish my c-section and close me up. I told Carly and Ben to go with the babies, I was in good hands, they didn't need to stay with me. So off they went.
My male anesthetist was the best. Not only did he talk me through the whole c-section from the start, he offered me the mirror, he snapped a couple of photos for us, he wiped my eyes when I cried, he grabbed warm blankets to put on my upper body while they were closing me up before I even had to ask. I joked with him as they finished up with my guts on the other side of the curtain " You're pretty good at this. I bet you've done it once or twice before" and he said, "Well I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!"
Holy shit, I loved that guy.
My nurses on the post partum floor were awesome and I went home 72 hours later. The boy went home with Mom and Dad 5 days after birth, and the girl went home 2 days after that.
Pretty great for 34 weekers.
I feel really good, no postpartum blues or anything. It feels so good to have the weight of the babies out, the heartburn is gone, I'm sleeping through the night, I can walk again , etc.
I've lost all of the pregnancy weight.
When I look at the babies, I don't feel any sense of connection or loss. As I shouldn't, but I guess you never really know.
I feel like I should. Like I'm looking at Carly and Ben's babies. That were brought into this world with help from me. It's really neat.

Birth Story- Part 2

2006-09-21T12:15:00.000-04:00

So, I hung up from talking with the Dr.
I told Kate, who has her own phone line/number in her room to "call Grandma to come and get TJ." (my MIL)

At this point I'm standing in the kitchen pantless, wearing only this shirt.

~A little story on this shirt.~
The night before, my best friend came over and surprised me with it. I had been telling her for the last week or so, how ready I was to deliver the twins, and how uncomfortable I was getting. Of course she knew the whole story about how Carly wanted me to go "naturally" and if that meant 40 weeks, so be it. My BF saw this shirt, and bought it for me on Wed night. Thursday night we went out to Walmart together (the beginning of this story) and I wore it out while we were shopping. Then I wore it to bed. I woke up, and my water broke. We now call it the "magic shirt."

Ok. So I'm standing pantless in the kitchen, water still trickling down my legs, onto the kitchen floor. Kate is calling my MIL from her phone. Hubby is on his way from work to come and get me. Carly and Ben have been notified. OB has been notified. The only other call I needed to make was to my best friend Brenda. I called her and told her that my had water broke, and about how I worn the shirt she bought me to bed etc. We had a laugh over that. She was very excited that the babies were on their way. She asked me if I needed a ride to the hospital. I say "no, Allen is on his way." (insert forshadowing music here)

I hung up with her, and asked Kate to run upstairs and grab my hospital bags.
I grabbed a disposable plastic cup put it between my legs and caught 1/2 inch or so of the pinky amniotic fluid, so I could show the nurses/Dr at the hospital.

My front door opened and I looked up expecting to see my MIL. She only lives 5 minutes away. Nope. It's my 20 year old nephew, who lives with my MIL. My MIL had sent him to pick up TJ.
Thank God I was standing behind the kitchen island, blocking me from the waist down.
"Stay there!" I hollered at him. "I'm not wearing any pants!"
"Ok!" He said laughing.

(my husband later said that it didn't matter matter anyway. Our 6'2, 260lb nephew is gay. He couldn't care less about seeing my 'gina.)

So TJ and Robbie left. I went and put on a pad and some dry pants. I left the shirt on. What could be more fitting?

I called Allen to see how close he was to home. His work is 25-30 minutes away, I figured he was about half way home by now.

"Ummm, I'm on the freeway, but I'm at a dead stand still. And it looks like traffic is backed up for miles."

Ok, this freeway is never at a dead stop. Even if there's an accident or construction it will at least creep along.

"What the hell?" I said.

"I can't go anywhere, it'll be a bit before I can get to the next exit ramp...I'll take another way once I get to one..."

I cut him off. "Don't worry about it. Meet me at the hospital. I love you."
and I hung up.

Kate threw my bags in the car. I grabbed a glass of cold water to sip on the way to the hospital. Since I had just woke up, and had been running around ever since, I hadn't felt the babies move yet. I wanted to wake them up for reassurance for myself.
I grabbed a towel in case I flooded the pad I had on. At this time the leakage had slowed to a small trickle here and there.
I put the towel on the car seat seat. Kate was out side as I backed down the driveway. I realized that I had told Carly I would call her back to let her know what the OB had said. I hollered at Kate to call her, and tell them I was on my way and for them to head to the hospital.

As I was driving I sipped on my water, willing the babies to wake up for the day.
I didn't turn on the radio, I remember driving in silence paying attention to the road, and my body at the same time. I wasn't having contractions yet, but I knew that they would be starting any time.

Finally, after about 10 minutes, I felt the babies start moving. I remember tearing up, knowing that they were OK in there. I quit drinking the cold water because I knew that I was probably going to have a c-section (Boy had been breech all along, and still felt like he was in the same position.) and I should have an empty stomach if possible.

About 15 minutes into the drive I felt my first contraction, and they continued about every 7-10 minutes

When I got to the hospital I was flustered, and missed the birth center emergency parking spaces close to the doors. I ended up driving past them to the parking garage that I normally park in for appointments. So I ended up on the 3rd floor of the parking garage. I grabbed my luggage bag, thank God it's on wheels, and walked my contracting, amniotic fluid dripping self into the hospital.

I got off at the labor and delivery floor, and went to the reception desk to check in. The was one girl ahead of me. The receptionist/secretary slid me a form. I filled it out. I wrote my name, my Dr's name, the date, the amount of weeks pregnant, and I checked boxes to indicate that it was a twin pregnancy and that my membranes had ruptured and that I was having contractions. In the notes part I wrote that there was blood in my amniotic fluid. I slid the paper back to the secretary.

I stood there with my bag at my feet and my plastic cup of amniotic fluid in my hand.

I overheard the secretary tell the girl in front of me that the Triage/Assessment area was full, she would get her back there as soon as she could. That she could "have a seat in the Family Waiting area" and she would come and get her.

Oh Boy.

When it was my turn, she asked me if I had pre-registered. I said yes. I made sure to tell her while she was pulling up my info, my current status. Twins, pre-term, membranes had ruptured, blood in it.
She was unfazed.
I was told to "take a seat in the family waiting room."
Holy shit.
I felt like people should be falling over themselves to get me in there! Guess not.

While sitting in the waiting room, I spoke to the other girl who had checked in ahead of me. This was her first baby, and her water had broke also. At least I knew I wasn't the only one they were making wait!

I had assumed that Carly and Ben would be there ahead of me, but they were not. Interesting, because I live 35 minutes from the hospital, and they only live 15 minutes away.

Then I noticed the TV hanging up above me. There was a breaking news story on. It was about a fatal accident involving a semi-truck and a smaller vehicle. The semi and the car were blocking all the lanes of the freeway and the helicopter showed that traffic was backed up for miles and miles. That was the freeway that Allen had been on.

Next, they cut to a story about a local hospital building that had been evacuated because someone "put a hazardous chemical in a toilet" or something to that effect.
They showed the building. Guess whose it was? My Ob's office, about 5 miles away.
I guess that's why his answering service took the call instead of his secretaries.

So I sat there for a bit- 10 minutes? 20? And then I saw my husband go walking by the door. I went and stood with him in the hall way.This is where he took the picture of me in the shirt-waiting...and I eyeballed the intake secretary, reminding her of my laboring self.
He told me that he had managed to get off of the freeway at the next exit (I think he drove on the shoulder) and took an alternate route to the hospital.

Allen and I waited another 20 minutes or so. Eventually we wandered over in front of the intake desk, where I grabbed an empty wheelchair. I continued to sit right in front of the desk, and eyeball the secretary. We called my Mom in Montana to let her know that I was in labor. My contractions were a steady 7 minutes apart by this time, and were getting stronger.

Finally, a nurse came out of the triage area and asked if I was Dee Lastname. I said "yes" and I was wheeled through the triage doors.

Finally! I was on my way.

Birth Story- Part 1

2006-09-17T15:28:00.000-04:00

August 31st 11pm-12pm

I went shopping with my best friend at the 24 hour Walmart. I definitely felt that nesting urge. I was picking up items that I wanted for when I delivered, like thank-you cards for my children and gift cards loaded with money on them for supporting their Mom this past year.
When I got home I went immediately and put their thank-you cards and gift cards in my packed hospital bags. (so I would have them to give to my kids after I delivered) I went and got ready for bed. While I was using the bathroom, out of nowhere, I had a surprise bout of watery diarrhea. Immediately a light bulb went off. As I was climbing into bed I told my husband about what happened in the bathroom. I also said "It could be nothing, but it was just like what happened before I had Kate. My body might be emptying itself out before labor starts, so I may be waking you up in the middle of the night. Or it might be nothing. Just thought I'd mention it."
And we went to sleep.

Around 10:00am as I was waking up, I felt a little "click" or "pop" inside. My eyes weren't even open yet. "Hmmm" I thought half asleep, "that felt like when my water broke with Kate" So I purposely changed positions and rolled over to see what would happen. Nothing. No water came out. My eyes were still closed. I went back to sleep.
Around 10:30am I woke up again, needing to go pee, and while getting out of bed, I stood up and my water broke. Thank God I was wearing flannel pajama pants, because this gush of water soaked them. I knew immediately what it was and I stupidly stood there on the carpet beside the bed for what seemed like a full minute, shocked and surprised and unmoving. Then I realized I better get my ass into the bathroom, and onto a tile floor as I was dripping water down my legs with every movement.
Adrenaline kicked in and I started to shake. But in a good way. I knew the babies were going to be here- today was the day! I remember sitting on the toilet, peeing and amniotic fluid water coming out at the same time (weird feeling) trying to calm my racing mind. My kids were both sleeping (it was the last weekend before school started) and needed to be woken up. Allen was at work, I needed to call Carly and Ben... I was in labor! What a rush!
Then I looked down at the bathroom tile between my feet and noticed that the drips on the floor were medium pinkish/red. Not clear fluid. But not dark red. Medium pink. And I started to panic just a little.
I woke Kate up, calling to her from the bathroom, telling her that "Mom's water broke!" And she went into my room ( TJ had crawled in my bed sometime in the early morning after Allen had left for work) and woke him up. All of our bedrooms are near the bathroom I was in. We told him that my water had broke and that Carly and Ben's babies would be there that day. The kids were so excited.
I called my husband at work, to come and get me.
Next I called Carly and Ben.
When she answered the phone I said, "Hi, my water just broke."
She said "OMG, are you serious? I laughed and said "yep, it's for sure." She started freaking out immediately saying to Ben in a breathless voice "Dee's water just broke, OMG, my legs are like jello, I can't stand up!"
I heard Ben in the background saying "Carly, calm down!" But he sounded like he was plenty nervous too!
I told her as soon as Allen got home, we'd head over to the hospital. The hospital is located in between their house and ours. (15 minute drive for them, 35 for us, we're a little farther away)
Then she asked me if I had called our OB yet.
I hadn't, it had only been a couple of minutes since I woke up, and he was next on the list.
I called his office and got the "Office is closed" message. HUNH? It was 10:30 on a Friday morning? WHY wasn't the office answering? I waited on the line like they said for emergencies and was put through to his answering service.

"Dr's Answering service"

"Hi, my name is Dee(Lastname). I'm a patient of Dr.Lastname. I'm trying to get through to his office and - the answering service lady cut me off-

"Well, there's been a problem in the building today, and the whole building has been closed."
Her tone sounds like she trying to tell me "that's it, you're not reaching the Dr." Final answer.

I copped an attitude. My tone changed from nice, to abrupt and a little snotty.

"Well" I countered, "I'm 34 weeks pregnant with twins, my water just ruptured and it looks like there's blood in it. I think he might want to know."

"Well" she responds sounding a little less huffy, "I guess I better get you through to him."

Stupid ass.

10 seconds later, I hear my OB's voice on the line. Fancy that. I didn't even have to wait for a call back. Directly connected. The problem is, I can barely hear him. I mean barely. I tell him it's me, that my water broke, and he cuts me off, and tells me to head to the hospital, and we were disconnected. Even that exchange of information took a couple of minutes because we could barely hear each other and we were repeating things over and over. Gah. I didn't even get to tell him that the fluid wasn't clear. Maybe the answering service did? I was worried about the color of the fluid, but not too much, because I know that it only takes a tiny bit of blood to make fluid (urine, amniotic)look pink. I figured it could have been from my cervix opening so fast when my water broke. It had been firm and closed only a few days before at my OB visit.

Ok- that's it for now. Next installment will be how I ended up DRIVING MYSELF to the hospital... and some more of the birth story.

Here's the thing...

2006-09-15T23:25:00.000-04:00

I have so much to say, I can't get started.
First of all, I am the slowest typist ever. I love to talk but I HATE typing. A journal seemed like a good idea for me, but any time I've had anything story worthy, you guys have missed out because it would have taken hours for me to tell you all the details.
I really want to give you guys the whole birth story.
But it's overwhelming to think about all I have to say/type.
I think I'll try to do it in short installments, or maybe it will just have to be less detailed than you all deserve.

The other thing is that after the birth story, I'm ending my journal. So I think that's another part of why I'm putting it off.

I'm just wrapping things up with Carly (that's quite a story in itself) and then I'll be able to finish up things here.

A picture to tide you over.

2006-09-08T09:05:00.000-04:00

Taken just a few hours after the babies were born.

Thanks for all the good wishes. The birth was incredible. Lots of joyous tears shed. My hospital care was wonderful.
But it'll be a while before I get the birth story written. I'm just trying to rest and heal. Talk soon.

The Power of the Internet

2006-09-02T00:14:00.000-04:00

This is Allen, Dee's husband. I am here to inform you that her water broke this morning at 10:30am as she was getting out of bed. Baby boy delivered around 3:30pm by C-section weighing 4lbs-2oz, 18" long. Baby girl delivered 2 minutes later weighing 4lbs-12oz also 18" long. Babies currently in NICU for observation due to premature dates for twins and under 5lbs, but both babies are doing well and breathing room air. Dee went back to recovery and then sent to labor and delivery due to pre-eclampsia, protien 4+, b-p running high, currently on magnesium sulphate. Will be in a reg room tomorrow if all goes well. Should be home Monday afternoon and she will update all of you then. She says to tell you thanks for all of your prayers and wishes, she didn't have to go to 39 or 40 weeks after all. Well, my work is done here.

Allen

Hot Bitch

2006-08-30T20:27:00.000-04:00

I feel like shit. Don't know why. Kinda sweaty and can't get comfortable.
We're 34 weeks in the morning.
Being pregnant with twins at this stage sucks.
I'm so over it.
How much longer?
Anyone care to take a guess?

We had our 34 week ultrasound today.
Everything good. Heartrates, amount of fluid surrounding babies,etc.
They seem quite happy in there.
Girl weighing approximately 5lbs1oz.
Boy is approximately 4lbs9oz.
I'm carring almost 10lbs of baby and the end feels no where in sight.

Probably because of this. (adaptation from an email I sent)
It's kinda rambly, read slowly to understand my stream of conciousness.

I am 33 weeks and 3 days today.
I am feeling every one of those weeks. It just started this past week, my hips are going out of place if I sit on something firm for too long and try to get up, my heartburn is ferocious, I can't breathe, I have contractions if I try to walk any stores, I have a mild headache every day, I'm getting to the point of being d_o_n_e.

Our OB said that if I make it to 38 weeks he would do an amnio to check for lung maturity (which we know they would be, come on) but that's policy he says, and then he will section me.
As of last week neither baby was head down still ( A -Breech, B Transverse, sometimes Vertex) so we just all decided to go ahead and schedule an elective c-section.( well, it wont be considered elective if they dont end up turning- I would be needing one)

So get this. My actual due date is Oct 12th. When my OB's office called me to tell me the c-section scheduled date, it is OCTOBER 9TH. Yeah, like I'm going to go all the way to my due date with twins.
So basically I am going to have to go into labor on my own, and then get fitted in the OR . THAT pisses me off. Most everyone I know that is carrying twins has a c-section (if that's what they're having) scheduled for 37-38 weeks.
And it gets worse.
Carly had agreed with the OB and I, that we would do a lung maturity amnio after 37 weeks, by 38 if I hadn't gone into labor, and do the section right? Well, she called me the next day and said "Please don't be mad, but Ben and I talked and we feel it's too RISKY to do the amnio. I'm sorry but we just want to let nature take its course and if you go longer than 38 weeks... then you do."

What the hell. I SOMEWHAT see her point, I get that she's nervous about everything concerning pregnancy BUT- I am carrying these babies here. 38 weeks with twins is FULL TERM. Why don't "I" have any say in this? Totally not fair to me. I feel that I have done so much bending this entire pregnancy. There's NO reason I need to go past 38 weeks. That gives me a finish line, and she's being unreasonable as far as I'm concerned.
The other thing she said about the "risky" thing? She's scared that they're going to damage the babies. How? By accidentally picking them with a needle? Or the amnio will "put me into pre-mature labor"a she says.
IT'S NOT pre-mature labor at 38 weeks! So what if the babies decide to come because the bag didn't seal back up! This isn't an 18 week amnio testing, where if the membranes ruptured after amnio you would be f-cked.

Ok, just pray for me that I go into labor at 36-38 weeks on my own. Since the hospital didn't schedule me till 39weeks 4days, and Carly won't let the Dr. do an amnio like he wanted to at 37/38weeks, so IF my body decides to hold out, I am going to be one uncomfortable, not being able to do anything but cry bitch, and honestly, the shit may just hit the fan.

Hello

2006-08-13T12:45:00.000-04:00

From Monday's appointments.

The stats from OB appt are as follows:
B/P 120/70
Weight gain of 20lbs total
Urine= Neg for protien and sugar
Fundal height = 36 weeks

Stats from ultrasound appt at hospital:

Baby Boy (A) weighing approx 3lbs 6oz
Fluid surrounding baby= good
All other measurments on track for gestation
Position=Breech

Baby Girl (B) weighing approx 3lbs 5oz
Fluid surrounding baby= good
All other measurments on track for gestation
Position=Kinda Vertex/Transverse

Cervix of steel measuring 3.7cm
Long closed

As for the gestational diabetes diagnosis. It is preety much bullshit. I check my sugars 3-4 times a day, eat the same as I have been, and my sugars are 95% of the time well withing normal ranges. And that's with no insulin (i wasn't ever prescribed any) and no diet changes. Damn doctors.
Carly and I discussed how my levels were barely elevated after that nasty 3 hour test, and she recommended that I wait a week after getting my diabetes machine and supplies, continue eating normally and record my numbers. I've been doing that for weeks now, and everything is normal. So that's good. I'll keep an eye on it though, just in case things decide to go awry as I get farther along.

31 weeks and 3 days today!

In other news, tomorrow is TJ's birthday. And this morning he got up, and went outside to ride his bike and it was gone.
Someone stole it in the middle of the night. After 1am when Allen went to bed, and before 8am when we got up to drop Kate off for marching band camp.
TJ had it parked beside the house, near our back fence. Fucking losers that steal.
I was so upset I cried. I was sad watching my 8 yr old walking the block looking for his bike. I tried to explain to him that I doubted anyone on our block took it, and if they did, it surely wouldn't be sitting out. He kept looking. He was really having a difficult time accepting that it was gone. But it is.

I Suck

2006-08-02T13:52:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah. It's been forever since I've posted. Sorry.

Here are some seriously overdue pictures. These are from 3 1/2 weeks ago, at our 26 1/2 week U/S.

I'm 30 weeks tomorrow! THIRTY WEEKS! Now if these babies come when they're supposed to, that only leaves me with 6-8 weeks to go!

Twin 1 is the boy, there is only one picture of him. He weighed 2lbs 3oz at 26wks4days.

Twin 2 is the girl, two pictures of her, she weighed in at 2lbs4oz at the same visit.

I can't wait to see what they're at next week! (30wks4days)

Kick and Roll

2006-07-09T18:41:00.000-04:00

The babies are getting stronger. Here's a great kick and a roll that I caught on video today. I emailed it to Carly and Ben.

Oomph.

I'm lovin' it

2006-07-07T22:03:00.000-04:00

Carly's school offered to sell the teachers their laptops at the end of this school year. They're IBM Thinkpads, pentium III. They were selling them for $120 each. Carly bought hers. The teachers that didn't want theirs had to turn them in, and the school put them up for sale, same price, and the rest of the faculty could purchase them- limit of two. Carly bought me one for my birthday!

Our OB had asked me at our last visit to start spending more down time, as much bed and couch rest-feet up as possible. No reason, just that it's time to start slowing down as a precautionary measure. I asked him about being on the computer, and he said as long as I had a laptop, and was laying down he had no problem with it. He wants weight and pressure off of the cervix I guess. He just doesn't consider sitting at a regular computer for hours at a time as down time. Oops. I do a lot of that.

So, when the computers went up for sale this week Carly grabbed me one.
She brought it over last night, and we had a good visit. This was the first time she's come for a visit. She left her house at 9pm, and got here by 10. That was ok with me, as we both had things going on earlier in the evening. Allen sat and visited with us, and Carly didn't want to go home. I know she enjoyed herself because she stayed until 1:45am! Thank god I had a nap yesterday afternoon.

Today Allen brought everything home from work to set me up wireless.
Right now I'm laying in my bed. This totally rocks. Now If I could get someone to pack me a cooler with food and drinks, and I had a bed pan...

Blah

2006-07-07T09:04:00.000-04:00

I got woke up at 8am with a call from my OB. I failed the 3 hour gestational diabetes test. Dammit!
I asked him if i had flunked it by a lot, and he said no. He's sending me to the hospital for a class with a GD nurse, and he said that I should be able to control it by diet, and 4x daily finger picks. Hope so.
I do know from the lady that took my blood for the test, that my fasting sugar was 88 that morning. She told me after she picked my finger. But I guess I must have failed the 1,2 and 3 hour draws.
My OB is actually surprised that I failed both of my screenings for GD,( the 1hr he did and the 3 hour at the lab) He keeps apologizing and saying that he really didn't think I'd have it, and that the two babies and their placentas are what is causing me to have trouble. Gah.
Oh well, only 10-12 weeks to go!

Really Quick

2006-07-03T15:06:00.000-04:00

1) I'll be 26 weeks this Thursday!

2) Had our 25 week check up last week, measuring 30 weeks, no protein in urine, BP perfect, 2lb weight gain (for a total of 10 lbs so far), took the gestational diabetes 1 hr test.

3) Dr's office called 2 days later. I failed the 1 hour GD test. Dammit. I've never flunked one of those before. Going for the dreaded 3 hr test this Wed.

4) Had my 33rd birthday last Tuesday. Ugh.

22 1/2 week update

2006-06-12T12:04:00.000-04:00

Had ultrasound this morning. Stop. Babies weighing 1.5 lbs each. Stop. Cervix measuring a healthy 4.2 cm. Stop. All other measurements normal. Stop. Carly and I getting along well. Stop. Life very good, yet hectic. Stop.

# 3?

2006-05-31T23:10:00.000-04:00

I've been asked by my husband and my best friend if I'm going to do this again. (surrogacy)

While I'm not necessarily going to seek it out, if an opportunity arose, I'm pretty sure that I would like to do this one more time.

Of course there's things that I'd change, or look for in a third attempt.

I would prefer to:

1. Go the independent route.

I've found that the agency wasn't worth the money they were paid, and if anything they may have made things a little more difficult than things needed to be.

2. Carry for second time IPs (already have a child/ren though surrogacy)

A) They realize what surroogacy is all about, and I won't have to walk them through the process like I have for these last two surrogacies.
B) Since this will be my last surrogacy I won't be available to do "a sibling project". Most second time IPs won't be looking to go through a third surrogacy. They're more than finished after two successful pregnancies/surrogacies.
C) It would be wonderful to be able to talk to their surrogate from their first time around. References are always a good thing.
My IPs from 2005 offered to speak to any potential IPs about me that wanted to contact them. I would hope to be able to do the same thing (talk to their surro) if I was considering working with second time IPs.

3. IPs that have frozen embryos.

The rollercoaster of cycling kills me. Synchronizing our cycles, waiting to see if the IM's E2 is rising, how many follicles she has growing, how many eggs are retrieved, how many fertilize, how many make it day three or day five... All of that is so damn hard. I'd love to skip all of that. To be able to do a FET? Sounds like heaven to me.

4. IPs that don't live close.

I would re-consider this if Sally & Don, the first couple I worked with, decided they wanted to cycle again. But only for them.
I've realized that a little space is good.

I would insist on:

1. Sticking to a TWO embryo transfer. Let me tell you, that's what I put in our contract, that's what we agreed to, but once I got the slightest pressure to add the third embryo, I caved. And then I shit my pants from the high beta until our first ultrasound. Not going to do that again.

2. An increase on parts of my compensation. Some things I was too low on, some things weren't included. I didn't want to ask for too much at the beginning. Now that they're not a part of our agreement, I wish I'd have spoke up. Feeling used isn't good. Ask for what you think is fair. I have a better idea of my needs this time around.

So far, that's what I'm thinking. Going to give it some more thought.

The "big" ultrasound- 18 1/2 weeks

2006-05-15T12:45:00.000-04:00

All measurements look great. Perfect. Well 90% of them. I have to go back in two weeks to get a couple shots of the heart, and I think one of the kidneys. Other than that, the babies look gorgeous.

Overheard during the ultrasound.

Tech to Baby A.

"Move baby. Move. Stretch out. Agh! Why are you all curled up like that? I can't see what you are!" (trying to find out the sex) Repeat.

Very skilled ultrasound Tech to Baby B.
Same thing. (trying to find out the sex) Repeat.

Then they made me go for a 5 minute walk to get the babies to move.

Then, Baby A, the one I've told Carly time and time again was a boy because he's rambunctious and kicks the crap out of me, opened it's legs.
The Tech froze the screen and said, "Ok, don't scream OK? Promise?"
We nodded. I could already tell what it was.
Carly said "It's a Boy?" (but she wasn't sure)
The Tech said "You're right!" We kinda screamed anyway. Not tooo loud though. The Tech (and her student laughed) I started crying because I'm a big sap.
Then the Tech quickly zoomed over to Baby B. I've told Carly she's a girl because her movements feel gentle and quiet. ;)
Right away the Tech got her shot, and froze the screen again. I didn't even have time to check out the screen before the Tech said, "Now this time, you PROMISE not to scream?" We nodded again, and Carly said "It's a girl?" with hope in her voice. The Tech said "Yep!"
I sat up like a rocket, and Carly started hugging me getting ultrasound gel all over her.
It was a great moment.

OK- have to go re-bandage Allen. (who is doing better day by day)
No time to spell check.

.

Surgery Update

2006-05-12T22:36:00.000-04:00

Allen's surgey went well. It was 3 1/2 hours long. His surgeon took out 14-16 inches of bowel that was "severely diseased, spots were attached to his insides, but the rest looked great."
His incision runs from his belly button straight down to his pubic hair line, about 5 inches long.

When I went to visit Allen after surgery in the recovery room, he was in severe pain. He was moving his legs all about and moaning in pain. He was supposed to have an epidural and be numb from bellybutton down. The epidural didn't work.
I was pissed. The kept giving him morphine, and dilodin? (sp) They said they were giving him enough to numb a horse. It wasn't working.

There was also blood filling his catheter bag along with his urine. I guess they may have "done a little damage when putting in the stints for his catheter"
It was bleeding the entire time he was in recovery, one more reason why he was in there so long.

I was only allowed to go back and see him once an hour, 15 minutes at a time while he was in recovery. He stayed in recovery from 11:30am until almost 9pm.
It was hell. I was trying my best to keep my shit together and not cry.
I just couldn't stand to see him in that much pain.

I finally had to leave, Allen still knocked out, but grimacing in pain in his sleep. I had to get home to the kids. They had school the next day. I was exhausted from spending almost 14 hours in the hospital waiting room by myself.(and limited time in recovery)
So when I left he still wasn't settled in a regular room. That upset me quite a bit.

The only thing that made me feel OK going home, was knowing that the surgery went really well. Now it was all about pain management and recovery.

He was brought to a regular room sometime after I left Tuesday night.

The next day they took the catheter out and the bleeding stopped. Allen got a morphine pump, and they gave him enogh drugs to keep most of the pain away.

Yesterday and today he's ben up walking (shuffling) the halls, per Drs orders.

This evening he got pudding and broth and tea for dinner. (full liquids)

He may come home by tomorrow evening.

Thanks so much for all the great feedback on my last post about Carly and our recent issues.

And the well wishes for Allen are much appreciated.

18 1/2 week ultrasound this Monday morning!

Can't sleep

2006-05-09T01:08:00.000-04:00

Allen is having surgery in the morning.
We have to be at the hospital by 5:30am. 4 1/2 hours from now, and I'm not in bed yet. Well, I was in bed, but it was no use. Couldn't sleep.

He's having a major section of his sigmoid colon removed, due to his diverticulitis. The hospitalization he had back in December. It's finally surgery time.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Lots going on.

Carly and I haven't been speaking as much, and for now, that's a good thing.
I'm having a hard time with her right now. Lately it's been due to compensation, and her questioning me over the most simple of things, things that were drawn up in our contract, and she acts like she's totally surprised when she has to pay for them. And she ask me about it, which makes me uncomfortable. And I've told her that before.

One mistake I made was that I agreed to let her pay my compensation by month, rather that her having to put the total amount into escrow up front.

So, each time something comes up, my agency has to contact her to send money to the account, so things can be covered.

Carly constantly mentions to me that she hates the fact that the agency always calls her about sending more money. Well, if she would have put a lump sum in the account up front, she wouldn't constantly hear from them. They would just send me the compensation, and send her an updated statement each month.

Last week, she asked me why she was paying me .xx cents per mile to the Dr.s office.
I reminded her that it was her request that I go to her OB-Gyn's office, and it is 40 minutes from my house, about 30 miles. Roundtrip that is 60 miles, and is not considered local travel. Anything over 25 miles roundtrip (or something to that effect) she's required to give me gas money/milage.
This is clearly stated in our contract.
As a matter of fact I specifically remember her telling me this a few months ago. " I just appreciate it so much that you're willing to travel out of your way, to my Ob-gyn. I don't mind having to pay your milage. I've been seeing him for almost 20 years, and I'm just so happy that you'll be under his care"

The thing that pisses me off is this.

1. The things I've asked for are fair, and totally standard. Don't act surprised about any of it. Didn't she read the contract before she signed it? (more about this to follow)

2. Don't talk to ME about it! Talk to the agency. She knows I don't want to deal with that aspect of our relationship. It makes me feel cheapened in some way.

3. Don't complain about a favour you asked of me! I'll BE GLAD to go back to seeing my female ob-gyn whom I adore, She's FIVE minutes from my house. That way, she won't have to pay me a dime extra.

Let me share a little something from back in January.

It is very common to get a transfer fee. Mine was average, compensation wise.

When we went through our contract stage, Carly called me asking me if I would go over our contract (compensation part) with her. She said she had some questions that she needed clarification on.
In the section about the transfer, it said "D will get compensated $xxx for each embryo transfer"
Carly asked me if that $XXX was for EACH EMBRYO, because then that amount would be double if I accepted two to be transferred etc. I said no. That ment that amount for each embryo TRANSFER, the transfer itself, no matter how many were tranferred.
Make sense?
Ok, so she asked me if we could have the wording made clearer. I said sure. And I made sure it was changed.
Now, here we go.

The night before our transfer, I got a call from Carly. She was freaking out. Telling me how she had just gotten off the phone with Sugar (our agency owner)
That she DIDN"T KNOW that she had to pay $XXX for the transfer! And she told me all about how she was "screaming" at Sugar, and how she was "so loud, Ben heard me in the house and I was in the closed garage" and how she was so mad at Sugar, it was Sugar's fault for not explaining the contract with her.
???
She had me in tears, as I was so upset that she was making such a big deal out of this. To me, she was already arguing about $ and was making me feel that what I was doing wasn't worth compensating.
It was no ones fault but hers that she didn't understand. Of course I had just explained the transfer fee to her a few weeks before.
You know, I really don't care if I say how much it was.
It was $500.

Yeah. She has a surrogate that has agreed to let her pay monthly, not upfront, (so I don't have any kind of safety net if she quits sending compensation)
I agreed not to go back to work this year, I don't have a loss of organs fee, or MANY other fees that a regular contract has.
I was feeling very used at that point, like she was trying to rip me off.

I had been through 2 months of contracts, doctors appointments pills, and shots, and really up to that point in a surrogacy agreement, there isn't a lot to be compensated for. This was the first thing that I would receive $ for. And she was trying to fight it? And I had to explain to her what it was for? Like I was trying to fight for my worth. It was terrible. Once I started crying and explained it to her, she said she felt bad, and agreed to pay it. We transferred 3, 5 day blasts the next morning, and within the week we knew I was pregnant.

Here's the kicker. A couple of weeks later, Carly slipped (I forget how) and told me that SUGAR had payed me my transfer fee, out of her own pocket. (the agency owner)
And Carly let her.
All because Carly flipped out on her, saying she should have explained the contract better to her.

THAT my friends bothers me.

So you see now why there's been stress on my part with Carly. And that isn't all of it. But I'm tired now. And I'm not spell checking this vent.

Allen's surgery is in a few hours.

Nite.

*edited to add*
I just read this though ( I'm still not going to fix all those spelling and grammar mistakes!) and I need to add something.
Before you think that maybe Carly is freaking because they don't have the money for this surrogacy, they do.
They just took a week long cruise in December, and they just got back from an 8 day stay in Las Vegas- 2 weeks ago. She's a full time high school teacher, and has told me that she's at the top of the pay scale. (she even told me her yearly salary, why? I don't know)
She also teaches college 2 nights a week. Ben is a stock trader, and she's even told me what he makes every day.

She comes from a wealthy family. Trust me.

She also has prided herself on being able to get bargains whereever she goes, getting discounts etc. She recently (last week) called herself "Discount Carly" to Ben, while I was on the phone.

End of story.

Different is good.

2006-05-04T21:12:00.000-04:00

Tell me something that you like to snack on. Preferably something interesting.

Lately, I haevn't been able to eat a full meal. I start to feel sick, and my stomach hurts after eating just a little bit of my meal. So I've started snacking.
Whole wheat toast with peanut butter. A mug of homemade soup. Etc. But I'm getting bored. I need new ideas.

It doesn't have to be way out there, just something that the general public doesn't eat, or that I probaby don't eat on regular basis.
For example, I like to eat small curd cottage cheese with tons of pepper, on top of a thin cheddar rice crisp. So very good.

Please make it something that's easy easy for me to buy or replicate.
Don't tell me about this awesome thing that you eat, available in Alaska.

2006-05-01T10:17:00.000-04:00

This morning was our Ob-gyn appointment.

My BP pressure was slightly elevated, but not enough to concern them.

I had trace amounts of protien in my urine but not enough to raise any eyebrows.

The nurse said I was up 8 pounds, which I know is bullshit. I've gained maybe 2 pounds sine my last visit 4 weeks ago. I weigh myself daily, my digital scale goes in .2 increments. There's nothing wrong with my scale. I think the nurse wrote it down wrong last month.

Carly asked for a look at the babies, and our sweet Dr. said "sure". They looked so great! We just got a quick peek at each of them, 2 minutes total, but we got to see them moving their arms and turning their heads. I even saw little fingers today.

Both baies are laying across my abdomen. Their heads are near my right hip, and their feet are towards my left hip. No wonder I'm feeling so much movement on my left at night! I have 4 feet kicking me there!

I asked our Dr if he would be the one performing my c-section, should it be needed. He said yes.

I asked him what his policy was regarding how many could be in the OR. He said he doesn't mind 2 (Carly and Ben) and then if I wanted Allen to come in to sit with me for the remainder of the surgery after the babies are out, and Carly and Ben could leave the OR with the babies that he wouldn't mind. BUT it depends on who else is working that day, we are going to be in "their house" and whatever the hospital people say that day, we have to abide by. But he also said that "They're human and they can sometimes be persuaded."

I asked him if he is comfortable letting me attempt a vaginal delivery if the twin closest to the cervix was head down, and the other wasn't. Would he let me deliver the first one and attempt turn the second one.
He said no. Unless BOTH babies are head down going into labour, I'll be getting a c-section.

I think that's about it.

Weekend Update

2006-04-30T20:56:00.000-04:00

Friday night I was on the phone with Carly and I was bored. So I said offhandedly, " I should come visit you". Right away she started squealing "Yes! Come visit! Are you really thinking of coming over?" She was super excited. I said "sure, why not?"
This was around 7pm.
She lives about 50 minutes from me, and I've never seen her house.
So I hopped in the shower, and headed out by 8pm.
I arrived at 9, and visited with her and Ben until 12pm. We had a great visit.
Our phone calls have been a little strained lately, and I think that this visit was just what we needed.
When I arrived, I showed her and Ben my belly. Carly gasped! She thought it was so great.
When I was about to leave, Carly seemed bummed that I was leaving. I reminded her that even if I left right then, I wouldn't even get home until almost 1am.
I had to talk to her on my cell phone for the first 15 minutes or so after leaving her house, due to the fact it was so dark, and it was hard to find all the street signs I needed.
While we were talking, she told me that she would have been happy if I had wanted to spend the night. That made me feel good. I knew then that they had really enjoyed me coming over.

I can't believe we're heading into pregnancy week 17!

We have our OB-Gyn appointment tomorrow morning. Right now we're going every 4 weeks.

In other news, last night (Sat) the phone rang at 1:40am and it was my best friend. My best friend is my sister-in-law, Lee. She called me crying, saying that my brother-in-law (Allen's brother, Duke) was vomiting blood and was hallucinating a bit. He refused to go to the hospital.
A bit of background-
Duke (my husbands brother) is a good hearted guy. A good person. But he's an alcoholic. He was hospitalized a few years ago, twice, and almost died. His liver almost completely shut down and he was every shade of green and then yellow for months. He looked like an alien with green face paint on. It was unreal.
he was released, and told that if he didn't quit drinking, it would kill him.
Well, we think he stopped for about a year, then slowly started sneaking liquor. His choice- straight vodka.
Lee, had started finding his hidden bottles here and there over the last couple of years. He still refuses to go to AA or get any kind of outside help.
This past couple of weeks , Lee has found 2 more bottles.
Then this past week, she told me that she knew something was wrong, he had been sleeping almost every day, all day. ( my brother-in law doesn't work, he's got other issues as well)

So last night, Lee called me, freaking out. Duke was vomiting black blood (like coffee grounds she says) just like a few years ago when he almost died.
She could not get him to go to the hospital.
Another point to mention here is that they don't have insurance of any kind, and haven't had any since Duke lost his cleaning company last August. (the one I used to work for)
So she is completely breaking down on the phone.
I talked to her until almost 4am, and then we hung up, with her unable to force him to go get help.

When I woke up this morning, Allen told me that Lee had called, and Duke finally agreed to go to the hospital.
We went and visited them today, as the hospital is only 5 minutes from our house.
So far, he has been admitted, and they are running tests on him. He is already starting into his DT's, shaking and hallucinating from the lack of alcohol. He was thanking Lee for bringing Vito (one of their dogs) and putting him under the hospital bed. He's a mess. And he'll only get worse over the next while.

I feel so badly for my sis-in-law and best friend. She has been keeping her family (they have 2 boys)together for so long. She loves a good man with a bad addiction.
I hope that this time, is the one that wakes Duke up. But I said that the last 2 times, and you can't make someone get help, who doesn't want help.

So that's my update, I'm tired, and I don't have time to check for spelling mistakes.
Forgive me.

Awww you guys... shuffle feet

2006-04-28T00:37:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the great comments and emails.

I find that I really want this journal to be a place where I can let it all out.
But I'm learning that in reality, it's a very difficult thing to do.
I'm censoring so much.

Here's the thing. For me so far, this surrogacy is almost 100% about the relationship I have with Carly, and to a lesser extent Ben.
And the things that have been bothering me are Carly related.

I'm just having a hard time dealing with her worry, and daily monitoring etc. I know why she's like this, she's lost 6 babies. So I knew before I even met her that she would be hyper vigilant, protective and a huge worrier. So, I get that. I truly do. I do my very best to soothe her worries. I go way out of my way in fact. But I'm starting to wear down. I find that I want to avoid her phone calls. (which I don't, but i want to...)
It's very hard.
I know she trust me 100%. She's just so afraid that something is going to go wrong like it has to her, so many times.
It's hard trying to take care of myself, the twins and her...

And yes, I've told her about the blog, and how much I've put "out there" and she's OK with all of it. But she doesn't know the name or URL, and she really isn't a computer type of gal, so I don't have a lot of worries about her looking for it. Plus she'd just ask me if she wanted to read it and if I needed to, I'd pull anything down that might hurt her feelings.

I'm just afraid of talking about how she's making me feel etc, because I fear a lot of my readers are women who read Julie's big list, are having hard times themselves and may think of me badly and will side with my IM.

Make sense?

Anyway, thank you all for the great comments. I think I'll be posting more soon.
I'll try to tell the truth about the intricacies of a surrogacy relationship, in the best way that I can. It's not easy!

1 day shy of 16 weeks!

2006-04-25T22:50:00.000-04:00

Carly and I had a long talk tonight. About an hour and a half!
She told me all about her family and their plans for her baby shower.
And like all families, there have been bumps in the road, and differences of opinions.
It's fun to get to sit back, and be a part of things, yet not be involved at the same time.
Carly has 1 Mom, 4 sisters, and one sister-in-law. So there's a lot of ideas being kicked aroound. I guess at one point he sister Camille said to Carly "Why don't we just give you the money that we're gong to spend on the shower, and you can use it to buy everything you need. I mean people are going to come visit you after the babies are born and bring you gifts then, and they shouldn't have to give 2 gifts."
WTH?
Yeah.
Carly said her reply was something like " I don't need gifts after they're born, I kind of need to be set up before their born. And I don't expect them to bring me gifts when they visit too..."

I said to Carly. " AGH! What the hell is she thinking! It's not even about the GIFTS! It's about celebrating the upcoming arrival of your children! It's about spending the day around people you love, and opening gifts, and having this be YOUR TIME, YOUR DAY! How many baby showers have YOU attended"
Carly said "A million" (they have a huge family, and are expecting well over 100 women at the shower)
Then Carly stared saying "You're right! I should have told her that! These babies are my miracles!"

Oops. I hope I didn't add too much fuel to the fire.

As for the pregnancy, did I tell you that I've been feeling the babies move since around 13 weeks? Crazy hunh? We'll be 16 weeks this Thursday. Their movements are getting stronger and I have to say, the first night I felt their little swimming movements inside, I smiled and had tears in my eyes. It was such a great moment. I loved telling Carly the next day. She couldn't believe it. But it was the babies moving that night almost 3 weeks ago, and I've felt them every night since, always around 11:30pm, when I lay on my left side in bed. So amazing.

I'm still on the Zofran, and I've tried not taking it a couple of times over the past week.
NOT a good idea.
This morning as soon as I got up, before I could even take my pill, I was gagging and threw up bile into the kitcheen sink. At 8am. Nice.
The other problem I've been having is constipation, and believe me, I've been trying everything to get back to normal, and nothing's working.
Metamucil, Colace, fruit, beans, lots of water, and today even 2 infant glycerin suppositories. Nothing. Well nothing but a few pellets.
Any ideas?

Let's see what else? You know, I lay in bed at night and I think of all these things to tell you, and then when I sit down to write, nothing.

So that's it for now. My brain just died and it's time for bed.

Here's the deal

2006-04-23T14:50:00.000-04:00

I haven't been posting.

The reason is because I want to be able to let it all hang out and I feel that I can't. I want to be able to be talk about everything, and I feel that I have to censor myself. I'm scared to post about my true feelings. I'm afraid to bitch or whine, lest my readers think I'm not happy about what I'm doing. I'm afraid to give you guys the wrong idea about what it is really like.
Am I making any sense here?

So I've found that since I havn't been giving the whole story, I'l just give none of it, just important updates. And yet, that feels like a disservice too.

I just don't know what to do. I started this journal with the intention of giving an accurate account of what it's like to have a surrogacy, and the complicated relationship it entails, with all the feelings associated with one. Instead, I've found that it's much harder than anticipated, and I'm afraid of the judgement I'll get if I do.

Help.

13 weeks

2006-04-05T14:05:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post to say that everything is A-OK.
I'm 13 weeks tomorrow, and things are going great.
We had our first Ob-Gyn visit Monday morning, and we got to have a quick peek at the little munchkins, and I didn't even have to take my pants off this time!
Hooray for abdominal ultrasounds!
We have our 18wk U/S scheduled. Hopefully the babes will cooperate and we'll find out the sexes. I scheduled it for the day after Mother's day- Monday May 15th.

Also, thank God for Zofran. I am feeling like my old self again.

More soon.

I hurt so much

2006-03-26T14:28:00.000-05:00

MAURICE, Aubert "Pete" peacefully, surrounded by his family on March 23, 2006 at Hotel Dieu Grace Hospital as a result of an automobile accident in Lakeland, Fl. Beloved husband and best friend of Vivian (Shipko) (nee Gagnon) and the late Angeline Allegretti (1970). Loving father of Victor, Berny, Carmen and Connie, of LaSalle; Angela and Rick Bastien, of Essex. Cherished grandfather of Charles, Donna, Julie, Danielle, Jaclyn, Rachelle, Peter, Renee, Jaimie, and Jennifer. Great-grandfather of Caitlin, Tyler, Brigitte, Tayla, Larissa and Andrea. Dear brother of Angeline Juneau, of Mi., and the late Aldee and Irene Maurice, Gus and Marjorie Maurice, Jeanne and Paul Frigault, Donat and Ted Maurice, Beatrice and Wilfred Ouellette, Gerard Maurice and Roger Maurice. Brother-in-law of Irene Maurice, of Stoney Creek; Penny Maurice, Ronald and Julia Gagnon, of Belle River; Maurice and Sheila Gagnon, of Tecumseh; Jeanette and Lionel Poisson, of Rodney; Lloyd and Arlene Gagnon, of Henderson, Nev; Carolyn and Pete Daudlin, of Wheatley; Donald and Mae Gagnon, of Lincoln, Cal.; Allan and Michelle Gagnon, of Placentia , Cal.; Marlene and Paul Renaud, of Belle River; Denise Hillock and friend Zoli Voros, of Windsor; and Carmen Allegretti, of Fl. Also survived by many nieces and nephews. Pete was a retired locomotive engineer at CNR and was an avid golfer, fisherman and hunter. He was a member of the the Sutton Creek Golf and Country Club, Captain of the Retreads League and a member of the PGA Golf Pool. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the charity of one's choice. A special thank you to the staff of Lakeland Regional Hospital and Hotel Dieu Grace of Windsor. Visiting Saturday, from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. and Sunday, from 1:00 to 5:00 and 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. at The Marcotte Funeral Home and Chapel, 12105 Tecumseh Road, Tecumseh (735-2830). Prayers Sunday at 8:30 p.m. The Funeral will be held on Monday, March 27, 2006 at 9:45 a.m. from the funeral home to Parish of the Atonement Church, 2940 Forest Glade Drive, for a Mass of Christian Burial at 10:30 a.m. Fr. Clare Coleman will be the celebrant. Interment at Heavenly Rest Cemetery. A tree wil be planted in memory of A.J. "Pete" Maurice in the Marcotte Heritage Forest. A dedication service will be held on September 24, 2006. All are welcome. The family invites you to sign the Book of Condolence or to share a memory at www.marcotte-tecumseh.ca .

**********************************************************************************

I want to share his eulogy with you.( the words from the Grandchildren)
My sister wrote it. She did a beautiful job, and I want to share a bit of my Grandpa with you.

Once, in a quiet moment, Grandpa shared a thought similar to this: “Old friends pass away, new friends appear… An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend--or a meaningful day.”
Our Grandpa followed this type of philosophy throughout his life, and, in doing so, provided us with the perfect model of how to live and love.

Grandpa often had these moments of deep insight; but he also had a sparkling personality which inspired us to call him “just so cute.” This term of endearment was our way of expressing Grandpa’s passionate zest for life. He could play with trains, fly kites, relish his strawberries and ice cream, tell jokes, and laugh, with youthful exuberance. The twinkle in his kindly blue eyes as he adjusted our first grip on the putter, or guided our aim as we pitched our first horseshoe, was a manifestation of the pure pleasure and happiness our Grandpa radiated.

He taught us to play with determination, and have a strong spirit of competitiveness, while at the same time exhibiting values of honesty and good sportsmanship. Win or lose, he always had words of encouragement, and an affectionate smile, for his partner in the game. Never once did we hear Grandpa raise his voice, or say something hurtful about someone else. He had a consistently positive attitude around his grandchildren, which was inspirational.

Yet it was truly Grandpa’s unconditional love that had the greatest effect upon our lives, and caused each grandchild to blossom in his presence. How we will miss being greeted with that smile, which radiated warmth; that enormous bear hug, that made you feel enveloped in love; and of course, being told how beautiful each of us are. Grandpa always made every, individual grandchild feel special in his or her own way. He was such a genuine man; we would never doubt his sincere belief in each of us. Grandpa consistently made us feel comfortable to be ourselves around him. He was real, so we could be real with him. He loved us and was proud of us for simply being who we are—his grandchildren.

But it is we who are proud. It is we who have been so blessed to have a Grandpa who exemplified love, and living a meaningful life. If Grandpa left a legacy for his grandchildren, it is this: to live and love as he did.

A few days ago, I came across a poem with a message that seemed to be coming straight from Grandpa himself. It speaks of overcoming grief, and the continuation of life. So, in closing, I would like to share it with you all.

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I, and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was ….
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner
All is well.

********************************************************************

I miss you so much Grandpa. I love you.

Hi There

2006-03-20T19:21:00.000-05:00

Sorry to those I worried.

The spot was only a spot. It never showed up again. Thank God.

Last Friday we had our 10wk1day appointment. Both babies looked perfect, and each measured 10wks1day.

My estrogen was over 2,000 and my progesterone was at 38.
I'm finally allowed to stop all meds. No more shots!

Our next appointment at the fertility clinic is this Friday when we'll be 11wks1day, and it will also be our last visit.

Next Friday is our first visit to the Ob-Gyn.

I've been really sick, headaches and nauseousness every day. I'm getting really tired of feeling this way. Hopefully I'll feel better soon, and then maybe I'll have more to say.

So far so good

2006-03-09T11:50:00.000-05:00

Since that one spot of blood last night, there's been nothing. So that's good news. I'm keeping a close eye on things though.

And to the commenter that said this "I assume Carly doesn't know about this blog, otherwise you wouldn't be posting the question. It does seem a bit strange that so many in the blogging world are aware of this personal story without her knowledge."

You're wrong. She does in fact know about this blog, but she doesn't read it. She knows I am sharing a lot about us, and she doesn't mind. Carly,(not her real name)
is a very open woman who will tell anyone who will listen about IVF, surrogacy and what we're doing. Please don't assume. You know what they say about that.

It's only a spot, right?

2006-03-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, I just went to the bathroom and a round spot of bright red blood was on the toilet paper.
(thanks to all all of the journals I read, I'm an obsessive toilet paper checker now)
I havent had sex, nor do I have any other reason to give.
The spot was about the size of an eraser head.
Small, I know but I'm freaking out just a little.
Praying that it's nothing.
Here's the thing. Call Carly or no?
I'm leaning towards no, just because I don't want to freak her out. But, I know she wants to know, and surely has a right to know every little detail. We talk every day, and she quizzes me on my symptoms, etc.
Advice?

Another good ultrasound

2006-03-03T19:22:00.000-05:00

Today's ultrasound and blood letting was just super, thanks for asking.

Baby A measured 15.3mm and 7wks 6days and Baby B measured 16.0mm and 8wks 0days. For some reason, the machine at my clinic doesn't have a measurement for the heartrates, but they were both nice and fast, just the way they should be. My nurse also saw the amniotic sacs forming(and she showed me), which is just what she was looking for this week. The babies definitely had a baby shape to them this week, which was cool. They're still blobs, but more like baby blobs with head, arm and legs buds. Very cool.

My levels were as follows.
HCG 100,000+
Progesterone 28
Estrogen 1600+

Starting today I am being weened off of my meds.
I don't have to take the Estrace tablets anymore, but I still have to wear my Climara patches.
I don't have to take my Crinone suppositories, but I do have to do my 2cc injections of PIO every other night.
Basically my meds were cut in half. I'm good with that.

Feeling very nauseous today. Going to lay back down.

And hey, thanks to everyone who's commented lately. I'm digging that.

Hi

2006-03-02T14:34:00.000-05:00

Nothing much to report here. Not sure why I can't find anything to write about.

We had an ultrasound again last Friday, and both babies had done one weeks worth of growing. So everything was right on track.

We have another ultrasound tomorrow (8wks1day), and I think one more next Friday(9wks1day) and then I will be released to a regular Ob-Gyn.

Right now I'm stil on PIO injections, Climara patches, Estrace tablets and Crinone gel suppositories.
I'll be so glad to be off of all these meds.

As for Carly and I, we talk almost every day. She tells me how she wakes up happy every day.
Yesterday, she had a bit of a problem with the mother of one of her students. The woman ended up hanging up on her. When Carly related the story to one of her teacher friends, her friend said to her, "So what! You have twins on the way!" and Carly said that's exactly how her mindset has been lately. The joy of these babies is always on her mind.

Now. As incredible as this makes me feel, I never realized the pressure that this puts me under.

I find myself worrying, praying that everything will be OK. I really worry the night before each ultrasound.
I feel like the health of these babies is completely on my shoulders, and a good outcome rests solely on me.
It's making me crazy.
Carly's relaxed and upbeat, positive that this time it's going to work, and she'll have her long awaited for babies this fall.
I am hesitant, and nervous, wanting to shield her, protect her from possible heartbreak.
How ridiculous is this? I never expected to feel this way.

TWINS!

2006-02-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

The ultrasound revealed 2 beautiful babies, both with hearts just beating away.

Everyone here is over the moon.

More soon.

Numbers

2006-02-13T14:57:00.000-05:00

Todays beta number = 15,385. (20dp5dt)

Perfectly doubling every 48 hours since our first beta of 58.1 at 6dp5dt.

Our ultrasound is scheduled for this Friday morning.

Waiting

2006-02-11T16:25:00.000-05:00

We're just waiting for Monday to check my levels again, and waiting for next Friday for the ultrasound.

Carly calls me everyday to see how I'm feeling and see how things are going.

Ben is worried that it may be triplets, Carly has told him that "whatever we're blessed with, we're keeping."
I, of course am scared silly that it's trips, but in my contract I said I'd carry them, and I will. But obviousy I'm hoping for twins or a singleton.

The only symptoms I've been having are headaches and tiredness.
I feel the occasional small twinge or tug around my uterus/left side.

Other than that, there's nothing going on. And that's a good thing.

Twins? Triplets?

2006-02-06T17:57:00.000-05:00

13dp5dt

Progesterone- 38
Estrogen- 982
HCG- 1,271

Will do another levels check next Monday. (13th)
Ultrasound to be scheduled for next Thursday or Friday.

Going to lay down now. So tired today.

Reaction

2006-02-03T17:20:00.000-05:00

As for Carly. Well.

I had been taking pictures since we decided to meet in October. I had been secretly making a video hoping to have a positive pregnancy test to add at the end as a way to surprise them.
Obviously I was able to complete it, and I sent it to her on Monday afternoon.
I was going to make it into a movie for the DVD player and then drive to her house and put it in between the doors for when she got home after work, with instructions for her and Ben to watch it together...but I found out at the last minute that we didn't have any of the right discs left! AGH! And no time to buy them, burn it and drive to her house before she got home.
So, my husband put it up on a website and I called her after she got in from work, and I asked her if Ben was there too. She said yes. I told her that I had made them something and that I wanted to email it to them. She had no idea what was coming.
Ben was on the computer at the time (he works from home), so it was perfect. I reminded her that I made it for both of them so to make sure he watched it with her.
I ran downstairs and emailed it. Then I hung up.

Remember she didn't know that I was testing...

Well, my phone rang about 15 minutes later. Carly was practically screaming.
Her voice was so high, it was cutting out on her. She sais "DEE! Are you SERIOUS? Are you SERIOUS? You're KIDDING ME! Are you kidding me?"
I laughed and yelled right back at her. "YES I'M SERIOUS!" and "NO, I'm NOT kidding! It's positive!"
She was like a crazy woman, repeating herself over and over. It ranged from "I can't believe it!", to "I KNEW you were pregnant! I just KNEW IT!"
I asked her at what point in the video she knew what was happening. I asked her if it was when the stork flew by and it said "Are you ready?"
She said " No, it was right before that, when I saw the picture of all those tests! I said to Ben , "She can't be doing that!", and then I realized that "I" had taken the trigger shot...."
She went on to say that she was SO relieved and happy that I kind of tricked her and didn't tell her that I was testing. She said that she was SO GLAD that I was secretly testing, that she was so relieved not to have to worry until our beta (at that time, still a week away.)

Then I hit her with the even better news. I said "And it gets better. When I went for the bloodwork today to check my levels, I had them run a beta, since I had the positive tests. Nurse D just called me, the beta is really good, and we're definitely pregnant! They bumped me up to this Friday for a repeat."

She was so ecstatic, she started crying. She told me that she kissed Ben about 20 times when they figured out what was going on. He is very very happy too. She said that he said that he is so glad that I'm carrying for them this time, that they can just enjoy this pregnancy now.

Yesterday Carly told me how much she is already enjoying this pregnancy. That she is so relieved, and so much stress is off of her. She said "You have no idea of my mental state, what it was like" (talking about losing 6 babies during 5 seperate pregnancies, and how stressful and nerve wracking it was)

She told me that she thinks of me like a sister. She told me she loved me.

As for our beta numbers. I had the repeat beta drawn this morning. At 3pm Nurse D called me and told me that our beta on Monday was 58.1. (6dp5dt) Today it was at 283. (10dp5dt)
Doubling perfectly.
Going back Monday to get all levels checked again.
Ultrasound will be scheduled for 2 weeks. (around Feb 20th)

Thank you so very much to those who de-lurked with their congratulations. It feels so wonderful.

7dp5dt

2006-02-01T09:22:00.000-05:00

6dp5dt

2006-01-30T06:46:00.000-05:00

It's positive! 4 different home pregnancy tests, all are positive.
The nurse agreed to run a beta with my other levels that were being checked today.
She called at 3pm, and the beta is positive. She said that all of my levels are "very good" and to keep doing what I'm doing (meds wise) and to come back Friday for a repeat beta.

I am overwhelmed in a very good way. More soon.
Too tired to type.

Nada

2006-01-28T10:43:00.000-05:00

4dp5dt- Nothing.

Testing, testing 1,2 3

2006-01-27T09:18:00.000-05:00

3dp5dt

Of course with all the tests I've got, I already started testing. One FRED each morning with the FMU and a saveontests cheapie strip.
Then cheapie stips for the rest of the day.
Nothing.

Cramping

2006-01-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

The cramping started a few hours after transfer, and hasn't stopped. It's not strong, just twingey and almost constant, with a sharp jab here and there.
That's all.

Transfer Day

2006-01-24T19:46:00.000-05:00

I only have a couple of minutes, as I want to get horizontal again soon.

Today was perfect. Truly. Carly came and picked me up at 10:00am. We were at the office by 10:40am. They took my blood up front, and then immediately brought us to the back for me to get undressed and Carly to get suited up. They gave me a couple of Motrin and a Valium. Since I hadn't eaten anything yet this morning, one of the nurses brought me some crackers before she had me take my meds. Carly and I took a few pictures. The nurses were pouring into our room to wish us luck. Carly has been with this clinic for 7 years and they have gotten her pregnant 5 times. Due to her different medical issues, she has lost every pregnancy. They are thrilled that she has a surrogate now. And, one that followed through.
Carly has had 2 people that she knows, offer and then back out during the discussion stages, and one "friend", if you can call her that, that was accepting money from Carly but not showing up for her appointments at the clinic, and then backed out before transfer, leaving Carly to transfer the three blasts that were ready to go, back into herself instead. That was last July. Since Carly had already miscarried 6 babies, her family was pretty mad. But Carly took one last attempt at getting pregnant. The three blasts never resulted in a pregnancy.
In September we found each other. :)

Today we transferred 1 4AA blast,(excellent) another blast that looked great(that's all they told us) and one that was on it's way to a blast, but not there yet.
We find out if there were any left to freeze tomorrow.

So we transferred 3. I'm excited and terrified.

A peek inside my bathroom cabinet

2006-01-23T19:52:00.000-05:00

That would be 50 strip tests, and 10 FREDS. I bought them back in December, in anticipation of this cycle.
Bring on the transfer. I'm ready. :)

Bracelet

2006-01-23T19:35:00.000-05:00

I bought Carly and I matching bracelets. They're sterling silver with sea turtle charms. Sea turtles symbolize fertility, longevity and protection from harm.

I hope she likes it.

Embryo update

2006-01-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

As of yesterday (Day3) this is how our 8 embryos were doing.

4 were at 8 cells.
1 was at 7 cells.
1 was at 6 cells.
2 were at 4 cells.

Pretty great for my IM who is 39 1/2 years old.

I have to be at the clinic tomorrow morning at 10:30am with at least 4 8oz glasses of water in me. They told me to eat a little something beforehand because I'll be having Motrin and a Valium.

Carly has to give her senior students an exam tomorrow morning from 7am until 9:00am. Then she's going to run out of there, drive to pick me up (45 minute drive) and then we'll drive to the clinic from my house (35 minutes). We should be there just in time. I'm getting butterflies! It's finally here! Tomorrow is Transfer day! Dance with me won't you?

Here it is...

2006-01-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

So far we have...

18 retrieved
16 mature
12 fertilized
They took 4 of the 12 fertilized and froze them
They are currently putting the other 8 through blast.
The next time they check them will be Sunday. (Day 3)
We will get a call Monday telling us how many survived.
At this time it looks like our transfer will be 11:00am Tuesday morning.

Fertilization Report

2006-01-20T15:44:00.000-05:00

I'm still waiting on a call. Carly said she'd call me as son as she heard anything. AAGGHHHH.

My nurse called me, but I missed the call.
Her message was " I just got a call from Carly's nurse. You guys are definitely going to blast. I'll call you Monday, and let you know what time to show up at the main office Tuesday."

Details! I need details! How do they look? How many fertilized?

Waiting sucks.

Good news!

2006-01-19T13:18:00.000-05:00

Retrieval went very well!
They got 18 eggs from Carly.
It was wonderful to hear the happiness in Carly's voice as she told me the good news.
Her nurse also told her that on Monday (the night before her trigger)her E2 was 3400.
And they expect most of her eggs to fertilize. "All but a couple" was what the nurse told her.
Dr.Ego says that he will probably take them to blasts.
If all goes well, Transfer is on Tuesday!
I start PIO injections tonight.

AYIEEEEE!

Shut down

2006-01-18T23:40:00.000-05:00

I don't have much to say. I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow. With two prior experiences, both of them bad, I find that I'm trying not to think about it this time. I'm not allowing myself to get excited. I'm trying to just go through the motions, and not let my emotions run amok, like they did last year.
I'm trying to act as if tomorrow isn't the most important day in our cycle so far.
I've been trying not to dwell on this cycle too much, and just let the days pass by. Otherwise it's excrutiating slow and nerve wracking.

If you think about it, could you offer up some good wishes for and Carly and Ben around 10:30am EST tomorrow morning?

This couple has lost enough babies. 6 babies in 7 years. It's more than time for them to become parents.

Thanks.

AYIEEE!

2006-01-16T16:57:00.000-05:00

Trigger is tomorrow night at 10:30pm!

Carly has to be at the clinic by 1O:00am Thursday.
retrieval is set for 10:30am.

Transfer will be either Saturday or Tuesday depending on how many fertilize, and if Dr.Ego puts them through blast.

AYIEEEE! The dates are set!

Trigger tonight?

2006-01-16T10:12:00.000-05:00

Carly may trigger tonight. We're waiting on her bloodwork to come back.

She had 17 or 18 follicles on the right. The lead follicle at 24, the rest mostly between 17-22 in size.
She had 3-5 on the right, she's not sure of the sizes.
Her nurse told her that everything looks great.
We're so excited!

My lining check went well. It has the triple line pattern that they want. My lining is at an 11, after only 7 days of meds. It will probably end up to be 12-14 by the time of transfer. Wonderful!

I'll update on Carly's E2 this afternoon.

Conversations

2006-01-13T21:26:00.000-05:00

2 days ago I was talking to my Mom on the phone. She was telling me that over the weekend, she and my step-dad had some friends over. 2 other couples. The friends had inquired about her children.
She gave them a quick update and when she got to me, she told them about the surrogacy.

I guess questions started to fly, and from what I can tell, my Mom did a damn fine job on educating them.

Of course there was the usual questions, like "Whose baby is it?"
She explained that it was Carly's egg and Ben's sperm.

They asked "Won't it be hard for her to give the baby up anyway?"

And my Mom told them exactly what I had told her when she asked that same question of me last year.
She answered " She's not giving it up. She's giving it back. It wasn't hers to begin with."

They said " So she's just basically an incubator?"

"Well yes," my Mom gently agreed, but then clarified things in her own words " You don't know my daughter. This is what she's like. She's just going to tuck it into a safe place under her heart and carry it for a while."

My Mom made me cry. That's it exactly.

I was in the kitchen yesterday and Allen and TJ were in the adjoining living room.

TJ (talking to Allen about something) "Why did you give that to him?"

Allen "Cause I'm a good man."

TJ "Yep, my Dad is a nice man (looks over toward me) and my Mom is a nice lady."

Allen "She is."

TJ "And I'm glad that you married each other."

Allen "Me too, that makes two of us."

Last night I was in W@lgreenz, talking on my cell phone to Carly.
We were all over the place in our conversation. We started discussing our cycle, and how we feel about Dr.Ego. We talked about our clinic, and how they have the best live birth rates in our state. We talked about how out of the 7 doctors in our clinic, Dr.Ego has the best stats. We talked about how his personality really stinks though, as he is a research scientist, and he's really egotistical, cold and talks above you.

As I was wandering around the store, I was getting more and more passionate about our conversation. I forgot where I was, and my voice was raised.

Carly "Well his bedside manner really sucks, but since he's the best... that's all that really matters to me."

Now, no one was in the aisle while we were having this conversation. But like I said, I wasn't really paying much attention anyway, and I was talking way louder than I realized. I was one of those people on their phones, you know the ones I'm talking about.

So I boom out " Absolutely! I feel the same way! I don't care how much of an asshole he is, as long as he gets me pregnant!"

And then I hear a snort of of laughter, and there's a lady who has entered the end of the aisle, and she's laughing as she walks past me.

I. Was. Mortified.

And as she passes me I stutter " No, NO! It's not like that!"

And she says, still laughing, "It's Ok honey, I know what you mean."

And now I just can't keep my mouth shut as I yell toward her as she leaving the aisle, " No really! You don't! We're talking about a Doctor! Not a guy! And..."

Carly was in hysterics listening to the whole thing.

I left the W@lgreenz without buying anything.

Sigh of relief

2006-01-13T17:20:00.000-05:00

Carly's E2 came in at 700. I am thrilled.
Just for comparison, last year when I cycled with Sally, Sally's E2 on Day 5 of stims was 29.

Our nurse says everything looks perfect for Carly this cycle. She goes in again on Monday. They expect her to trigger Tuesday or Wednesday.

*Whew*

So far so good...

2006-01-13T10:49:00.000-05:00

So far Carly has 13 or 14 follicles on the right. 1x16, 2x14, 2x13 and the rest 10-12. Good right?
On the left, the ovary that hides and is hard to see, she has 4 follicles. She doesn't remember the sizes, but they're 10's or better, but not as big as the right.(no 14, 15, or 16s)
The nurse and a doctor that happened to be in there said that the right is beautiful. The left is good too.
I can't wait to hear her E2 level this afternoon.

Carly's first check...

2006-01-13T08:52:00.000-05:00

Well, she should be heading to the clinic right now. Her appointment is for 9:30am. They promised to have her out of there by 10am. She said she'll call me as soon as she gets in the car, to tell me how many follicles she has, and what size they are. She's also going to call me later this afternoon after the clinic calls her with her E2 number.
More soon!

Yawn

2006-01-12T09:25:00.000-05:00

I am so tired this morning. I could barely help TJ get ready for school, and drive him on time.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I help the kids in his class for two hours.(3rd grade)

The children have one on one reading time with me. They haltingly, agonizingly read to me, and I listen, and offer help when needed.
I do this from 10am-12pm. Then, it's lunch time and I take TJ home for a quick lunch. Today, after I drop him back off at school, I need to drive to TWO different pharmacies to pick up the rest of the meds that my pharmacy didn't have in stock. One to get crinone, one to get estrogen patches.

Then, I have an appointment to give blood at Red Cross at 2:15.

Next, I have to pick up TJ after school at my MIL's house.

Then it's homework help time, while making dinner.

I think I'm forgetting something....
Oh Yes! I have to take Kate tonight to have her figures skates punched out in spots, and stretched.

Ok, I've got to go. It's time to brush my teeth and throw on the 'ol ballcap, and get to the school.

Today is stim day 4 for Carly!

Odds 'N Ends

2006-01-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

Here's some random bits of info I've got to tell you.

* Carly is on 1 bottle of stims less, both morning and night than Dr.Ego originally wanted her to take.
Once she had her baseline scan, I guess he decided that she had a good amount of antral follicles, and took a look at her past protocol.

* Her new protocol is 150 Gonal F (2 bottles) in the morning and
150 (2 bottles) of Repronex (also changed from Pergonal) at night.
So that's that. I'm glad that he scaled it back a bit.

* Today was her second day of stims, and her next scan and bloodwork is this Friday. (stim day 5)

* Remember when I got the surprise speculum? And then I got the call that the "integrity of the sample was compromised" and we needed to do it again?
Well we had to wait to re-do it, because my period arrived right after that call.
Yesterday, while I was having my baseline scan, I asked my nurse about it. She told me that the sample wasn't even run, because they just changed the vials that the sample goes in to, and the medium that surrounds it.
I guess my nurse had used an "old' (like a week) vial, so they wouldn't run it. But they hadn't even sent her the new vials to use. Dumb asses.
So I have to have that done again, because of their new changes. Grrr, clinics.

* I go again next Monday for a u/s to check my lining, and blood levels. Also for the second round with the speculum for the rest of my testing.

Umm, I think that's it for now. I'll add to the list when I remember if I forgot anything.

Another cycle begins

2006-01-10T19:49:00.001-05:00

My daughter is Kate 13 years (and 2 months) old.
Yesterday, she got her period for the first time.
*sob*
It actually got to me emotionally.
I was pregnant for Kate at the age of 18, and delivered her when I was barely 19 years old. It really doesn't seem that long ago. I can't believe that my baby girl is growing up so quickly. Some years, time seems to hold still, and your children almost seem like they'll never grow up or change.
But every once in a while, there's a moment, or an event that makes your eyes open...and you see clearly for a moment. You look at your child and you say "Wow. They look so different to me today."
Or, "I can't belive that they're able to do that."
Yesterday was one of those moments.
I kept catching myself studying my daughter's face as she did her homework. I looked over at her more than usual as we watched a movie. Looking at her profile, I realized that my little girl isn't so little anymore. She's really a young lady. And at the same time I am sad, I am proud and awed at the woman she is becoming.

I'm so excited!

2006-01-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

Sing it with me now.
"I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it..."

TODAY IS THE DAY. The day our cycle truly begins. I am so happy!

I just got back from my u/s and bloodwork at the clinic.
My uterus looks perfect, and my lining is at a nice thin 3.
I start estrogen pills and patches tonight after I pick them up from the pharmacy.
I return for another lining check next Monday. My lining should be at a 12 or more by then, as it tends to thicken quickly. Excellent stuff!

I talked to Carly, who had gone to our main clinic this morning.
(I go to one of our satellite offices.)
She had her baseline scan and bloodwork done. On the right side she had 11 or 12 follicles, and on the left side she had 4. She told me that they always have a hard time seeing her left side, and that there was most likely more follicles there. So as of today we're at 16 antral follicles. Good stuff right?
Right now she's at her pharmacy, picking up her stim meds. Have I said how excited I am? AYIEEEE!

I talked to my favorite nurse today, asking her about the increase in meds for Carly. She reassured me that it wasn't too drastic, and that Dr.Ego will cut her back in a couple of days if she starts off too quickly. She said that he'd rather start off a little heavy, and then cut back if needed. I guess if you start stims hesitantly and then try to boost meds up, sometimes the cycle never "gets off the ground."
Ok. I'll accept that explanation.
For now.
We'll see what happens.

Come on eggs! We want lots of healthy eggs!

In my email

2006-01-05T17:59:00.000-05:00

I just got an email from my daughter's friend. It wasn't to me, but to my daughter. Why she gave out MY email? I have no idea. Here is the email in it's entirety.

PaRtY hArD, RoCk'N'rOll, We'Re tHe ClaSs YoU cAn'T cOnTrol! nAuGhTy LaDiEs, PiMpiN mEn! We'Re ThE claSs Of 2010!!!

Oh lord.

Grrrr- clinics

2006-01-05T16:08:00.000-05:00

They're making us wait until Monday. I hate them right now.

Carly called the clinic this morning at 8am and left a message. Nurse Biatch called her back around 3pm. Told her that they would see her Monday for her first scan and she'll start stims that night. Damn. We were hoping to start stims tomorrow. I HATE WAITING. Carly practically begged the nurse to take her on day 3 (Saturday) when they normally do scans,( as far as we know they do them every day, they have before) but Nurse Biatch would not relent. Mondays are a really tough day for Carly, she teaches high school for the day and goes straight to college to teach for the night. Why oh why won't they scan her and start her stims on Saturday? Wahhhh.

I guess they told her that she'll be doing a new stim protocol which kind of freaks us both out. She's had great success with egg amount and quality on 1 amp Pergonal in the am and 1 amp Gonal-F in the pm.
(or maybe the other way around, I forget which is morning and which is at night)
Since she's doing a surrogacy this time, she had to switch Dr's at our clinic. Her Dr. doesn't do IVF with surrogates.
Now, I don't have the greatest respect for our current doctor. I had him earlier last year when I cycled with Sally and Don. I believe he may have messed up our cycle and the outcome.
Guess who our Dr is? Mmmmm Hmmm. I AM a little worried.

Like I said, she's cycled with our clinic over 10 times in the last 7 years. They've gotten her pregnant 5 times. Her protocol was good. Very good response.
Her stim time is alsways 8 days from first stim shot to trigger shot. Then of course 2 days until retrieval. 10 days total.
She gets lots of eggs (ususally 20-30)
Lots fertilize (usually upper teens)
They freeze some on day 3 and a bunch go to blast (5-10)
WHY MESS WITH THAT?

This time Dr.Ego is having her take 3 amps in the morning (whichever is the sub-q, gonal-f or pergonal) and 3 amps at night (whichever is the IM shot, so Ben can do it for her.)
I'm worrying over here.
It's only been a year and a little bit since her last IVF cycle. She's 39. Isn't that a drastic leap in stim change?

I don't know. I hate to be a micro manager. I'm a super worrier and control freak. I have to stop.
Just because I had a negative cycling experience with Dr.Ego early last year, doesn't mean that this one will be bad too.

Right?

I'll try to let go, I'll try to wait patiently until Monday.

Is it Monday yet?

Trumpets sound

2006-01-05T09:17:00.000-05:00

Carly's period has arrived!
She called me before the clinic.
I'll know more when she calls me back,
but TODAY is OFFICIALY CYCLE DAY ONE!

Scratch that

2006-01-03T21:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, I just talked to Carly, for about an hour. We're all caught up now. She hasn't started her period yet, but expects to start tomorrow.
We had a good conversation. She told me a couple of things that made my heart squishy. She told me that she was telling her family about me on the cruise this past week. I think her words were " I was bragging to them about how great you are, and how lucky I am."
She told me that she told them "You guys are going to love her."
She also said that I'm going to love her family, that they'll have me constantly laughing.
We talked about how she is such a busy person, and that her friends and family are already giving her a hard time, telling her that she will have to slow down soon, once the "babies" are here.
She knows this, and she's fully prepared to do that, and she'll be thrilled for the opportunity. But she has admitted to me that she is nervous about the reality of becoming a mommy of a newborn or two.
She laughingly said to me that she told them "Are you kidding? I'm going to have Dee (me) move in with me part time."
I told Carly that I doubt there'll be room for me around those "babies" once they're born, that I'd probably have to wrestle down one of her family members to get some time with them.

(why we always say "babies", I have no idea, we both just say it in plural all the time)

She then said something about me being the one she'll trust the most once they're born, after having just carried them.
She also jokingly said something about loving to employ me as a nanny "after you've had time to recover of course!"
I think she is overcome with nervousness, thinking that she'll need lots of help due to her being a first time mom. But if you guys knew Carly, you'd know like I do that she's going to be a fantastic mommy. I have no doubts about that.

Almost there

2006-01-03T17:47:00.000-05:00

Well, my period arrived this morning. I have no idea what's going on with Carly, I haven't talked to her. I left her two messages today, one on her cell, the other on their home phone. I hope she calls me soon, I'm really starting to wonder what's going on.

Not happy

2005-12-30T15:01:00.000-05:00

My nurse from the IVF clinic called. The integrity of the sample was compromised. I have to re-do the speculum surprise. Not happy.

Last BCP

2005-12-30T09:30:00.000-05:00

This morning I took my last birth control pill. So glad. My stomach is so bloated, my boobs are about to explode and I am the cryingest, snappiest biatch around. I'm about 4 days overdue right now, and I'll be a week or so overdue by the time it actually starts, since I had to take more pills than Carly so that she could catch up and our cycles would be in sync.

Other than that there's nothing new. Carly and Ben are on their cruise right now. I hope they're basking in the sun, relaxing as much as possible.

Too much sun can't affect egg quality can it? I'm so kidding.

Home

2005-12-29T16:13:00.000-05:00

Allen's home. I'm trying to get the aftermath of Christmas taken care of, the house and our lives back to normal.

The appointment for my lupron and ultrasound yesterday was horrible. I got a surprise visit from the speculum. My nurse forgot to tell me that they needed to test for the clap and something else. Hmmm, didn't have that earlier this year when I was with Sally and Don.

When she inserted the speculum, or should I say when she TRIED to insert it, I swear the thing had jagged razor edges. I about hit the roof of the examining room. I can take quite a bit of pain, and for the first few moments I said nothing. Then I started saying "ow, oW OW!" and she replied "sorry, so sorry, but wow you have a long way to your cervix. I can't reach it. It's way up there."
Now, in my 15 years of having pap smears, births etc, no one has ever told me this, or had a problem reaching my cervix. So she said she'd try again and she took it out and did it again. Fun. The second time was slightly better, and she admitted once she got where she needed to be, that she didn't have it positioned correctly the first time. Uh hunh. Thanks.
She gave me my lupron shot, and I was on my way. Our cycle is started! Here we go!

Sigh

2005-12-27T23:42:00.000-05:00

Allen still in hospital. Don't know for how much longer.
I'm losing it over here. So much going on.
Lupron Depot shot and ultrasound for the go-ahead tomorrow morning at the clinic.
Talk soon.

Hospital

2005-12-26T15:07:00.000-05:00

Allen's in the hospital, and has been since yesterday at noon, right after the kids opened their gifts. It's his diverticulosis, "itis" now that it's flaring up. This time a general surgeon has decided that Allen will go under the knife, as soon as they can get his affected colon to clear up. They're hitting him with large doses of pennicillan, two different kinds, and he should be home in a couple more days. He'll have surgery to remove the offending section of colon in a couple of months.
I just came home to let the puppy out, and check on his food and water, now it's back to the hospital.
This sucks.

Drugs

2005-12-21T17:30:00.000-05:00

Going to pick up my second pack of birth control pills. I only have 2 of the active pills left. I can't believe that I've already taken 3 weeks worth. My nurse told me to skip the week of inactive white pills and continue on to a new pack, so I had to reorder. Only 8 more birth control pills to take before I can stop. I'm so happy about that. I also ordered my Lupron Depot shot, I'm picking that up tonight, and taking it on Dec 28th. Only 7 more days!

Well, we found out the cost to have the car repaired. $2,800.
We don't have it right now. I don't know what we're going to do.
I have to admit, it's times like these that make me re-think being a stay at home mom and surrogate. I've thought about returning to work,but this just isn't the right time to do it, for so many reasons.
For now we're going to continue to borrow Allen's mom's second vehicle, and Allen said he's going to have the car towed home from the impound yard tonight.
He says he may try to fix it himself.
Now, my man can change brakes and rotors and change our oil, but to do the kind of repairs that our car needs after an accident? Ummm. We'll see what happens.
Stay tuned.

Will pictures do?

2005-12-19T21:29:00.000-05:00

I'm so, so sick. My voice has been gone since yesterday afternoon. I can barely get a whisper out. This sucks.

In lieu of an entry, will a few photos do?

I picked up Kate's friend Christy. She's spending the night tonight. Yes, on a school night. Am I a cool Mom or what? Actually, the girls are only allowed to spend school nights at each other's houses, no where else. Christy's Mom works with disabled kids at the girls' junior high, so I know Kate will get to school, and on time, when she spends the night there. Christy's Mom trusts us to do the same. The girls actually go to bed on time when their together. So it's really not a problem.

The other night when Christy stayed over, I taught them how to make apple crisp and tonight I taught them how to make tree bark. (Chocolate covered crackers) whatever you want to call it.

Girls making apple crisp (Kate on right, Christy on left)

Making tree bark tonight.

After we were finished baking I went upstairs to the kitchen, because I realized that I didn't have a picture of the finished product.
As I got to the top of the stairs Christy ran giggling to the girls bed. I said "busted." They were already told to be in bed. When I got to the crackers cooling on the counter, this is what I saw. Look at the cracker in the center of the picture.

That is a finger mark. Someone dragged their finger through 5 of the chocolate crackers.
Of course I can't holler, because my voice is gone. I whispered while making disgusted faces and accused both of the girls, who of course denied it. Vehemently.
I told them to call TJ downstairs. He was also in bed already. He came down and I did the same with him. He denied it. I kept asking him because I know my 8 year old. If he did it, he would cave with repeated questioning. After the 5th time I whispered "TJ did YOU do it... tell me the TRUTH..." he giggled. Little bastard. He said... "but it was so goood..' in this guilty voice. My boy loves chocolate.

The guilty party.

Well I guess this ended up to be a full entry. You can thank TJ.

Canine Carnage

2005-12-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

Here is some of the canine carnage. This is all within the past week. These pictures do not NOT include my favourite ballcap which has been destroyed, or Allen's favourite tie- with the end chewed off.
Include many more pees and poops in improper places and there you have it.

The Canine:

The Carnage:

The Tim Hortons was TJ's hot chocolate, and the Marlboro's are Allen's.

That's what you think it is.

Allen's best dress shoe.

My new boots. Check out the left boot. The top and the back.

Kate's toe sock.

I hurt

2005-12-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

Oh God it hurts. Make it go away. My throat feels like a cheese grater when I swallow. My head like a pressurized ball, my chest like a troop of girls scouts have made a bonfire in there.
See that post down below. Yeah. That one was because I was up at 4:30am this morning. The PAIN woke me out of a deep sleep and I had to get up and make a mug of hot tea, and down it all, just so I could swallow and get back to sleep.

Today, I have to drive to Canada to pick up my daughter, who is at her Dad's house. It will only take me about 2 1/2 hours roundtrip, but I hate it all the same. Whose damn idea was it to move to the U.S. anyway?
Also, I am going to start posting pictures of the Canine Carnage.
* pictures to follow, camera too dead to upload *

Bored and Bitchy

2005-12-18T05:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm bored and bitchy over here. I want to know what they put in these birth control pills. I've been a stark raving bitch. I'm trying to keep it inside. It doesn't always work. Honestly, I feel a little psychotic. One minute I'm fine, the next minute the smallest thing makes me want to flip out. This is not me. I want it to go away.

Our Depot Lupron shots are on Dec 28th, and we stop taking our birth control pills on Dec 30th. Could someone please tell me when my period should start? With my last two IVF cycles I wasn't on the B/C pills. My period started 5 days after the lupron. (if I remember correctly)

In other news, Carly and I havn't talked much, she is insanely busy with her high school and college students. She is also in charge of planning a family cruise for 40 people, they leave Dec 25th or 26th for a 4 or 5 day cruise. She'll be back on Dec 30th or 31st (I forget).
I think we've talked once in the last 10 days.

She said something that made me cringe the other day.
It started innocently enough. She was thanking me for everything I've done so far. For being organized and taking some of the pressure off of her to do everything.
She said something to the effect of, "I just can't believe how much you're helping me. Things are going so smoothly. Most surrogates wouldn't do what you've done. Ben and I are so glad we hired you to be our surrogate."
And then she said something about paying someone... I forget. My brain kind of blinked off at that, as I started mulling over the "hired help" part of what she said.
Then, because I was so quiet, and I think she realized how what she said sounded, she quickly added, "but I know- we're friends too." The tone in her voice implying that this isn't just buisness, we are starting to care for each other in a more personal way.

Ok, I know that they have in fact "hired" me to be their surrogate. But ick. Yes, they are compensating me for what I am doing. But when I hear the word hired, I think of a boss/employee relationship and it doesn't feel good. Hopefully it was just a poor use of words, and not a Freudian slip.

Winter in Michigan

2005-12-15T12:47:00.000-05:00

This is what it looks like at my house today.
I just snapped this picture of the creek that runs across the end of my backyard.

I've been tagged

2005-12-14T11:16:00.000-05:00

Well Cat did it. She was the first ever to tag me. Thanks girl, it was great!

Five things about me.

1. I live in Michigan. I've noticed that a few of my readers are from MI also.
It looks like there are a couple of you that live within 15-30 minutes from me.
Hello!

2. I'm Canadian. Born and raised there, didn't move to the U.S until 1997. (see below)

3. I met my husband in a chat room ( anyone remember POWWOW chatrooms?) back in Oct of 1996. I lived in Canada, Allen lived in the U.S.
November 1st, 1996 we decided to meet face to face. We met at a local bar. I chose this place specifically because a friend of mine was the doorman, and said that if Allen turned out to be some freaky weirdo, he'd throw him out on his ass. Things went wonderfully, and six months later Allen and I got married.(1997) I moved to Michigan. We've been married for 8 1/2 years now.
9 years this spring. I love the internets!

4. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm 32. If this surrogacy is successful, I plan on going to school to become a licensed Massage Therapist in January of 2007.

5. I didn't drive/get my license until I was 25 years old.

I tag Lynette, Dooney, Jennie, Thalia, and Stacy.

I'm a bitch

2005-12-12T15:51:00.001-05:00

Just an update to say that I'm bitchy and crabby and I'm blaming it all on the birth control pills. Holy mother of God, I've been a hormonal mess.

Still no word on the car, other than it may be fixable. There is a guy at the towing yard that does body work and he said that he would call around to get used part prices and then call us with an estimate for him to do the work. Last we heard (Saturday) the guy was waiting on some part prices from other yards.

La la la. We're still waiting. Being a two car family was overrated anyway.

Did I metion that we only had PLPD for insurance on the Sable? No? Well, everything is going to be out of pocket, and our pockets were already empty.

Also, my sister in law bought me a pair of cute Ugg-like boots. The puppy chewed the hell out of them.
This morning I woke up to 4 Christmas bulbs shattered in 4 seperate locations throughout the house.
Damn.

Bad Day Already

2005-12-08T07:48:00.000-05:00

6am- wake up to new puppy pee and poop on floor.

7am- got in argument with 13 year old daughter. Husband and daughter leave for work and school, I start crying as soon as the door shuts.

7:30 am- 8 year old wakes up and has peed the bed, strip the bed, put him in the tub.

7:45 am- Husband calls and has hit a patch of ice, slides into rear end of some guys van, bends the guys bumper and tells me that he thinks our 2000 Sable is totalled. I hang up, and start to cry some more.

More later. Fuck.

Next Month!

2005-12-03T06:59:00.000-05:00

Well here we are in December. I can finally say that we're having our transfer next month. Next month!

Carly and I talk on the phone a couple of times a week. Every time we talk, it reinforces to me how lucky we are. She's great. Warm, loving, talkative.
We get so excited in our phone calls that we often talk over each other. It's like we both have so much to say, and we just can't hold it in. We're constantly telling each other how great we think the other person is. I told her the other day that we have our own Mutual Admiration Society. She just laughed and agreed.

She also mentioned to me yesterday she was talking to one of our nurses at the clinic and our nurse told her that they wished they had known after I wasn't working with Sally and Don anymore, that I was looking for another couple to work with. They would have loved to have had me surrogate for one of the many couples in need at our clinic. Carly told me that our nurse was being very complimentary about me. Carly laughed and said to me, "Well I'm glad that they didn't tell you that, or I would never have gotten you!"

What a sweetheart she is. She makes me feel very appreciated with her words. Remember one of my fears was being thought of as an employee? Well it's not going to happen with this couple, let me tell you. I can tell they value who I am and what I'm doing. They also appreciate my husband and his role in supporting what I'm doing. I feel very blessed to be helping this couple.

Carly and Ben have already asked us (the kids and all) to an annual family get-together on New Years Day, at their house. They're just thoughtful people and I appreciate that very much.

Last week when she and I were talking, she told me how she had just went to a Craft and Bead Show.
I said "What? I never knew they had those around here, I make jewellery."
She said " You do? So do I!"
I said " Actually, I've been looking for a certain stone, because I'm making you something."
She said, "No way! I was planning on making you something for Christmas!"

In other news..

Carly's period is due this weekend.
When we talked yesterday I told her to hurry up and start already.
Then I said "Go and have some good sex tonight, that'll get it going for sure."
and as I was saying that, she said, "Ben and I should do it tonight, that always gets it going." at the exact same time!
What a riot.
We're on the same wave length. Kinda scary.

So yeah. Things are good. I want January to BE HERE ALREADY!

I'm going to take my first birth control pill now ...

My old friend birth control

2005-11-30T12:58:00.000-05:00

My Nurse called from the clinic today. I start birth control pills on Saturday. It's been about 12 years since I've taken them. Should be interesting.

Then, next Wednesday I'll go have an ultrasound to check out the old uterus, and make sure it's still in good shape. I'll also have bloodwork/screening for HIV, Hepatitis etc, to make sure I haven't contracted anything in the last 10 months.

I had screening done in February when I cycled with Sally and Don, so it's really a pain in the ass that I have to do it over again, especially since I'm with the same clinic, but I understand why they need to check. I also have to go to my Ob-Gyn's and get a copy of my most current pap. Gah. It feels like I just did this stuff...oh yeah...I did.

Oh well. You do what you have to do. I can't wait to get to the actual cycling part. The exciting stuff. The nail biting 2 week wait.

I just don't want to be let down again. I don't want Carly and Ben to be let down. I want this to work.

It's going to work.

3rd cycle's the charm right?

Who wants to hear about my period?

2005-11-28T22:28:00.000-05:00

Well, it's here! Full flow baby! CD1- Yahooo!
And AWAY we go!
Hoping for healthy embryos and a BFP in January!